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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Aalborg Hammer 4:37 Sun Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I applied for a job at Citroen.I had to send in 2 CV's

ted fenton 11:49 Sun Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just back from the Hospital. They reckon I might have Pneumonoultrmicroscopicsilicovolcanconosis, But it's hard to say

Mirkwood 6:25 Sat Jan 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Karen Carpenter sang "Why do birds suddenly appear"

Is it because you threw your dinner out the window Karen?

Willtell 12:14 Sat Jan 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Excellent Ted!

ted fenton 7:18 Sat Jan 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed
and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been
through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada .
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and the USA ; ruled by a pair of nuts.

joyo 9:01 Thu Jan 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
That's a cracker coffee

Coffee 10:45 Thu Jan 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Someone's having a late Christmas lunch.

The Libertine 10:37 Thu Jan 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Q# What did the idiot call his Zebra?
A# Spot

arsene york-hunt 6:41 Wed Jan 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Undertaker says to widow: "He died with a hard on and we can't get the lid on the coffin.

Widow says: Cut it off and shove it up his arse."

Undertaker carries out her instruction and the body lies there with a pained expression on his face.

Widow leans over him and says: "Fucking hurts, doesn't it!"

ted fenton 11:29 Tue Jan 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.

" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"

Aalborg Hammer 8:35 Tue Jan 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Bloody Amazon

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

Coffee 5:52 Tue Jan 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Hello Mrs. Jones 2:01 Mon Jan 8

Brilliant!

Hermit Road 11:37 Mon Jan 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
It was so cold today I saw a socialist with his hands in his own pockets.

claret on my shirt 11:03 Mon Jan 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Mad Dog 10:48 Mon Jan 8

my son sent it to me after seeing on FB

Mad Dog 10:48 Mon Jan 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Even if it's stolen off of the tv show "how I met your mother"

Willtell 6:50 Mon Jan 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Excellent find claret...

claret on my shirt 4:42 Mon Jan 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The Universal Hot vs Crazy Matrix - a Man's Guide to Women

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwbKYcBdVyk

Hello Mrs. Jones 2:01 Mon Jan 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRD3z9WaLRg

ted fenton 11:41 Sun Jan 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of £10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. (That was the reason he got the job in the first place....it was assumed that Guido would never hear anything and would therefore never have to testify in Court).

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing £10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where my money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, �Where's the money ? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him where the money is."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK, OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house, 23448 Valley Road. But he's away on vacation currently."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
After a brief pause, the lawyer replies, "He says that you don't have the balls to pull the trigger, you fat fuck"

Pee Wee 5:19 Wed Jan 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What's the difference between Judo and Karate?




One's a martial art, the other is used in bagels

Hello Mrs. Jones 5:12 Wed Jan 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
How do you titillate an ocelot?










You oscillate its tit-a-lot

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