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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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bobbymoore 10:35 Wed Jan 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
1000

ted fenton 10:01 Wed Jan 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was
my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


-----Husbands Diary:
A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?

boleyn8420 6:16 Tue Jan 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight



Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye

The Cult Of Bob 2:10 Tue Jan 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife said “Just use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

Aalborg Hammer 12:37 Tue Jan 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.



He's Espanyol

ray winstone 4:29 Mon Jan 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My mate asked me to pass him some lip balm but I gave him some superglue instead. He’s still not talking to me.....

ray winstone 7:24 Sun Jan 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The Bayeux Tapestry will spend 6 months in Wales during its loan to the UK from France. A spokesman for the National Museum of Wales said “We haven’t decided yet where we’re going to display it. It’ll either be Bayeux, or by there.”

Aalborg Hammer 11:02 Wed Jan 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before ,but he decides "What the heck,it's only twenty quid" So they hide in the bushes.They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when ,all of a sudden,a light flashes on them and it's a Garda . "What's going on here,people?" asks the police officer "Paddy says "I'm making love to my wife" "Oh,I'm sorry,i didn't realise" says the policeman "Well" says Paddy "Neither did I until you shined that torch in her face"

The Stoat 12:01 Wed Jan 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I made a curry last night and put ginger in it.

My other half went ballistic.

She loved that cat......

Aalborg Hammer 4:37 Sun Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I applied for a job at Citroen.I had to send in 2 CV's

ted fenton 11:49 Sun Jan 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just back from the Hospital. They reckon I might have Pneumonoultrmicroscopicsilicovolcanconosis, But it's hard to say

Mirkwood 6:25 Sat Jan 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Karen Carpenter sang "Why do birds suddenly appear"

Is it because you threw your dinner out the window Karen?

Willtell 12:14 Sat Jan 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Excellent Ted!

ted fenton 7:18 Sat Jan 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed
and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been
through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada .
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and the USA ; ruled by a pair of nuts.

joyo 9:01 Thu Jan 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
That's a cracker coffee

Coffee 10:45 Thu Jan 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Someone's having a late Christmas lunch.

The Libertine 10:37 Thu Jan 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Q# What did the idiot call his Zebra?
A# Spot

arsene york-hunt 6:41 Wed Jan 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Undertaker says to widow: "He died with a hard on and we can't get the lid on the coffin.

Widow says: Cut it off and shove it up his arse."

Undertaker carries out her instruction and the body lies there with a pained expression on his face.

Widow leans over him and says: "Fucking hurts, doesn't it!"

ted fenton 11:29 Tue Jan 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Barbara was lying in bed one night. Fred was falling asleep but Barb
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.

" Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"

Aalborg Hammer 8:35 Tue Jan 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Bloody Amazon

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

Coffee 5:52 Tue Jan 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Hello Mrs. Jones 2:01 Mon Jan 8

Brilliant!

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