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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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collyrob 12:10 Fri Aug 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Autocorrect is a bastard! Just text my pal asking if he wanted to go for a wank down the river! 🙈🙈!

I meant the canal!

Aalborg Hammer 9:10 Mon Aug 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
During a lull between the course servings at a White House dinner,
Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
Smiling she said, "I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

“Very impressive," said Secretary Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words.
He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot."

Far East Hammer 4:33 Mon Aug 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I don't need to use Google or Wikipedia. My missus knows everything about everything

Coffee 4:58 Sat Aug 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought Henry was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

My Diary:

A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

Coffee 8:49 Sat Aug 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I just said to my wife, "Right sexy, upstairs now!" She looked at me and said, "OOOh, horny bastard." I said, No seriously, the match is coming on, now fuck off!!!!"

boleyn8420 2:01 Wed Aug 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I've been diagnosed as colour blind.

It came totally out of the purple

COOL HAND LUKE 1:12 Wed Aug 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Novice nun tells Mother superior she wants to quit, and that she intends to become a prostitute.
MS: No! Never! Think of your immortal soul!
NN: But I'm not helping anyone here. I've no talent and no education. Jesus said we should love our neighbour. I want to help people and spread happiness. So my only option is to be a prostitute.
MS Oh, a prostitute. Thank God. I thought you said Protestant.

Aalborg Hammer 9:26 Tue Aug 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Murphy asks Paddy "What's your pet hate?" Paddy says "He doesn't like my finger up his arse"

Aalborg Hammer 9:24 Tue Aug 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Aalborg Hammer 9:01 Tue Jul 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Why do the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

lab 1:32 Mon Jul 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Patrick and Mick are nailing down floorboards , Mick is reaching into his bag for nails but about one in three he throws away. Patrick asks why he throws some nails away . Mick replies that he keeps finding upside down ones . You stupid c*** says Patrick ,those ones are for the ceiling .

jfk 12:43 Mon Jul 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed
a guy who looked like a Syrian refugee, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him
over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, "You are shaking, what is it? "You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "that cunt next door still has my shovel.

Willtell 2:26 Fri Jul 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Here's the ringtone you need ray....especially "Oh Jeremy Corbyn,..."


ray winstone 2:18 Fri Jul 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My mate just asked me what ringtone I've got. I said "I've never really looked but probably light brown

Aalborg Hammer 4:05 Mon Jul 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The SAS, MI6 and Thames Valley police go on a team building exercise are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. Three rabbits are released into 3 forests and each group is told to enter their forest & catch it.

The SAS go in. They set up GPS at each corner of the forest ,launch stun grenades and send in three groups of men who track the rabbit down in 30 minutes and bring it out alive but shaken.
MI6 sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three days of intensive investigations , MI6 conclude rabbits do not exist.
After two days of questioning likely witnesses ,the police enter the forest coming out after six hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
So I asked this Mexican bloke if they have any Jews in Mexico.
He answered "Si Amigo we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!"

jfk 10:26 Tue Jul 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Haven't been this nervous about a semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain.

Mirkwood 9:51 Tue Jul 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My missus texted me to say I'm "next to fucking useless." I'm currently consoling the chap beside me. He really hasn't taken it well.

Aalborg Hammer 8:49 Tue Jul 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I was once attacked by a group of mimes...

...they did unspeakable things to me.

Gavros 2:18 Thu Jun 28
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My wife has threatened to leave me because I keep singing Oasis songs.

She said "Are you going to give it up"

I said maybe....

Pee Wee 8:56 Tue Jun 26
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Richard Harrison, the old boy from the TV show Pawnstars has died.

Doctors told him he should live to at least 90 but he said the best he could do is 77

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