WHO Poll
Q: 2022 Summer Transfer Window - How many 1st team players will we sign before August 6th
a. None as Sullivan will wait until the last week before he gets his scattergun out the cupboard
b. A couple of freebies paraded as superstars, usual hype to follow
c. I'm more optimistic as surely they know we need to strengthen, 3-4 with decent money spent.
d. Who gives a toss as we have a great squad already, I've already ordered the new replica kit, socks and all and can't wait to wear it at our first game, down the pub of course, I bleed claret & blue

Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

eswing hammer 11:26 Wed Jul 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I met this Dutch bird on a dating agency, who owned her own inflatable shoe company , we arranged to meet but she never turned up , so l phoned the agency and they told me unfortunately she’d popped her clogs !

ted fenton 9:23 Wed Jul 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My mate just asked me what ringtone I've got. I said "I've never really looked but probably light brown

ted fenton 9:14 Mon Jul 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just heard that the new James Bond will be aimed at the woke brigade. will star as a man transitioning to a woman. The film will be called … “Cocktopussy”

Hammer and Pickle 11:45 Sun Jul 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I always try to save my best material for the gammons.

Johnson 11:11 Sun Jul 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
ag ag ag ag

Cabbage Savage 10:24 Sun Jul 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Pickle like to tell this joke to the gammons

Polish member of EU parliament went on an official trip to France...
during which he had to attend a diplomatic dinner with his French counterpart. Seeing his magnificent villa, with paintings from great masters on the walls, he asks the French EU mp how he ensures such a standard of living from the modest salary of a Euro MP.
The Frenchman invites him to the window.
- Can you see this highway?
- Yes
- It cost me 20 billion francs, the EU wrote out an invoice for 25, and I keep the difference.
Two years later, the French Minister goes to Poland to visit his counterpart. Upon arrival, he sees that the Polish Minister's home is the most beautiful palace he has ever encountered in his life. He says to the Pole:
-Two years ago, you said that i lived a prince's life... but compared to you...
The Polish Minister approaches the window.

- Can you see this highway?

- No?

- Exactly.

Hammer and Pickle 10:14 Sun Jul 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I told my shrink to get on his bike.

He was cycle-analysing

ted fenton 7:27 Sun Jul 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Geography Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Tottenham game and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"
"Bradford", I replied.

Of course it's old.

ted fenton 12:39 Fri Jul 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick

Aalborg Hammer 6:03 Wed Jul 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My sex change operation from a man to a woman went really well...in fact so good,I'm still trying to back the car out-of the hospital carpark

legrandefromage 7:47 Wed Jul 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The IT teacher at our local school has just been arrested for interfering with his kids. Turns out he was a PDF file!

bell 11:17 Tue Jul 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
As the weather is so hot I asked the Hermes delivery driver if he'd like a bottle of cold water. When he said yes, I dropkicked it over a fence into my neighbour's rose bush and told him I'd left it in a designated safe space.

ted fenton 11:32 Tue Jul 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!

Aalborg Hammer 4:44 Mon Jul 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A little known fact from the world of football. Brightons' Danny Welbecks ' father is a bomb disposal expert called Stan

Too Much Too Young 6:28 Sun Jul 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The Dyslexorcist.


ted fenton 12:43 Sat Jul 16
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

ted fenton 12:11 Fri Jul 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

ted fenton 7:05 Sun Jul 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

eswing hammer 5:24 Sun Jul 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I showed my wife that Ted ,she said it was a good story!

ted fenton 4:15 Sun Jul 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have £300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3000. “Well please let me have £3000 now.” The teller kindly handed £3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account. 😏
The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.

Mike Oxsaw 4:03 Sun Jul 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Qatar world cup matches to be dry.

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