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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)

Usual rules apply

Mike Oxsaw 5:08 Mon Mar 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me to keep my pocket money in a special metal box under the stairs.

I was 15 before I realised it was the fucking gas meter.

Aalborg Hammer 7:18 Tue Mar 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

As I get older, I find I only need 3 shops.
Specsavers , Boots and Greggs.
My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls

ted fenton 2:52 Tue Mar 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

I just got 3 tips off a bookie for Cheltenham Today
Sunshine. 15:00.
Moonlight. 15:30.
Good Times. 16:00.
If they don’t win, don’t blame Sunlight, don’t blame Moonlight, don’t blame Good Times, blame it on the Bookie.

ted fenton 11:22 Tue Mar 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

https://www.google.com/search?q=Keir+starmer+jungle+book&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB898GB902&oq=Keir+starmer+jungle+book&aqs=chrome..69i57j0i390l2.15927j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:2eaeb560,vid:bi2_2ogPMvo

COOL HAND LUKE 11:54 Sat Mar 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Lineker (on phone): "Hello Operator, Lineker here, can you arrange a wake up call for me, please?"

Operator: Yes of course, Mr Lineker. Here we go then - *Everybody thinks you're a complete cunt!*

Aalborg Hammer 5:40 Wed Mar 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Of course ,if women headed up the governments in the world there would be no more wars ...just really intense negotiations every 28 days

Aalborg Hammer 5:08 Wed Mar 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Does anyone know what time International Women's Day finishes ?
I'm starving

ted fenton 11:43 Fri Mar 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Seeing That Cheltenham Is Nearly Upon Us !! 😉

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'
'No, love,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 this afternoon.'

ted fenton 11:31 Wed Mar 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Bert,at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"

Aalborg Hammer 3:15 Mon Feb 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

I'm currently reading a novel about chickens.It's was last year's Book-Book-Booker prize winner

joe royal 3:09 Mon Feb 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 12 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'
The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 12 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.
Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the Scotsman adds:
"And we are still waiting for the change!"

The Stoat 4:06 Tue Feb 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

I heard the next James Bond film will be made to satisfy the woke brigade. Bond will start off as a man and will transgender to a woman. The film will be called Cocktopussy.

lab 1:02 Tue Feb 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

It’s what makes us British Haz

Haz 1:01 Tue Feb 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Well done, Nicola Bulley!

24 days sober!!









Too much?

ted fenton 12:04 Tue Feb 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Irish petrol Station
A Petrol Station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his
sales
So he put up a sign "Free Sex with Fill Up"
Soon Paddy pulled in, Filled up his tank and asked
for his free sex
The owner told him to pick a number between 1 and 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said "You were close
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in
for another fill up. And again asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him
to guess the correct number
Paddy guessed a 2 this time. The proprietor said "Sorry, it
was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time"
.
As they were driving away, Mick says to Paddy,
"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give
away free sex"
''No it aint Mick''Paddy says,''Its not rigged at all at
all.
My wife won twice last week.''

Hello Mrs. Jones 10:59 Sat Feb 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnzorzZJbn-/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

ted fenton 11:52 Tue Feb 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

I went into the library and asked if they had a copy of the book, "How to spot a lady-boy".
He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere".
I said "That's the one".

Mike Oxsaw 4:45 Mon Feb 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Was at my boss' funeral with some colleagues.

We were all kneeling by the coffin when I heard someone whisper "Now who's thinking outside the box, Gary?"

Aalborg Hammer 12:44 Mon Feb 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

My friend has a quality street stuck in his windpipe.

The purple one?

Yes that’s him

Aalborg Hammer 12:44 Mon Feb 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

My friend has a quality street stuck in his windpipe.

The purple one?

Yes that’s him

Too Much Too Young 10:07 Fri Feb 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Madelin McCann - nobody will ever beat me at Hide n Seek.

Nicola Bulley - hold my dog.

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