Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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Usual rules apply
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Replies - Newest Posts First ( Show In Chronological Order)
bell
7:33 Fri Sep 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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The wife messaged earlier saying that three of the girls in her office all got sent flowers today, and they are gorgeous.
That's probably why I said.
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Helmut Shown
7:20 Fri Sep 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Quasimodo limps into a pub and says to the barman "Whisky"
"Bell's alright?" Asks the barman
Quasimodo replies: " mind your own fucking business"
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Helmut Shown
1:39 Fri Sep 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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A bloke gets drunk and gets thrown out of his local pub. He walks along to another pub and gets talking to the landlord. He then boasts to him that even blindfolded he can tell the animal any skin comes from just by stroking it. The landlord challenges him and tells him if they blindfold him and he guesses what animal the pelt is from he'll give him a pint. He agrees and furthering his boast he also says that he will tell him what weapon killed the beast by examining the hole in the skin
He is blindfolded and they bring a pelt for him to stroke. He says "This skin comes from a leopard and it was killed by a .303 rifle"
The dumbfounded landlord says "Correct" and pulls him a pint. Next up they give him another pelt he strokes it and says "this is a warthog and it was killed with an assegai"
"Correct again" says the landlord and pours him another pint. This goes on all night and he gets none of the tests wrong. He stumbles out of the pub pissed as a newt.
When he wakes up in the morning with a monumental hangover he looks in the mirror and notices he has a black eye and no idea how he got it. He says to his wife "Did I come home with a black eye last night?"
" No" she replies "I gave it to you. You got into bed last night and shoved your hand in my knickers and said "Skunk and it was killed with a meat cleaver"
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Aalborg Hammer
12:37 Fri Sep 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I've just seen Jamie Oliver making a salad with watercress and lollo rosso.I'm not sure where his other kids were
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Pee Wee
12:25 Fri Sep 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I never thought I’d miss Ted, but even the jokes he Eddie B’d were a better standard than that.
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boleyn8420
12:20 Fri Sep 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Where do penguins keep their eggs
In an eggloo
Who tells the best egg jokes
Comedihens
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joe royal
10:33 Thu Sep 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I lost my virginity to a girl with Down’s syndrome
I wanted my first time to be special.
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Aalborg Hammer
7:34 Thu Sep 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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My uncle was a crap ventriloquist - he used to stick his fingers up my arse and tell me not to say anything
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Aalborg Hammer
4:19 Thu Sep 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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My mate Andy Zoff, was the best runner in our school.
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RoyalDocksGK
11:01 Wed Aug 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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David Moyes, Ange Postecoglou and Mikel Arteta are in the pub. Moyesy goes up to the bar whilst the other two go find a table, and eventually comes back with 3 pints of Tennents. Once they’ve drunk those, Postecoglou goes up and comes back with 3 pints of Fosters. Next up is Arteta. Yet on his return he comes back with 2 pints of Madri. He places one down in front of David Moyes, and then takes a big gulp from the other other one. Postecoglou now very confused asks “where’s mine?”
To which Arteta and Moyes both laugh, “you’re not in the 3rd round!”
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Jasnik
1:00 Wed Aug 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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look nice....
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Jasnik
1:00 Wed Aug 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Too Much Too Young 9:39 Fri Aug 25
And..
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a Duck
She put them on the mantelpiece
To see if they would
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boleyn8420
11:37 Tue Aug 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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How do you get a one armed man out of a tree.
You wave to him
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Helmut Shown
9:31 Tue Aug 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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A bloke buys an old oil lamp from an antiques shop. When he gets it home he decides to polish it up. As he starts there is a flash of lightning and a big apparition dressed in middle eastern traditional dress appears before him.
"I am the genie of the lamp, you have set me free. I will grant you three wishes" the apparition says.
The bloke says "What anything I like?"
" Yes anything" the genie replies
"OK" he says after some thought "I want all the money I could ever use in a lifetime"
A big flash of lightning and the room is full of £50 notes
"Next" he says "I want to live in a luxury mansion in the sun with a big swimming pool and ten person hot tub"
Another flash of lightning and him and his money are transported to a beautiful mansion in the Caribbean with a large pool with a ten person hot tub.
"And your last wish?" The genie asks
The bloke replies " I want to be surrounded with fanny"
Another big flash of lightning and he turns into a tampon
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Too Much Too Young
9:39 Fri Aug 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Mary had a little skirt, it split right up the sides, and everywhere that Mary went, the boys could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt, it split right up the front.
She didn't wear that one.
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Aalborg Hammer
10:13 Fri Aug 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I've just bought a Van Gogh coffee table.
I've just noticed that it's got a bit of veneer missing.
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joyo
10:56 Wed Aug 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one.
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Pee Wee
5:17 Tue Aug 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Let the record state - that’s crap.
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Robson
5:14 Tue Aug 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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For the record here's my finest creation:
I asked Jack Nicholson for his advice on the best way to ventilate my aviary.
He said "One flue over the cuckoo's nest."
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Robson
5:11 Tue Aug 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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All of the top 10 are actually pretty good except the one that won. Odd. It's not even been phrased to make it work properly, ignoring the fact that the pun itself is commonly used in playgrounds up and down the country (apparently). My 8 year old could have done better.
The coffee shop one and the surrender one made me chuckle.
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Burnhammeronsea
12:34 Tue Aug 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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That winning joke was something that would go down well on CITV. Comedy is so bland nowadays, sanitised by the wokery. The Nationwide joke was the best of the bad bunch.
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