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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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Trevor B 4:29 Wed Oct 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What happened to the four days to clear rule?

Aalborg Hammer 4:28 Wed Oct 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An old fella in his 70's goes into an expensive jewellers in Bond Street with a gorgeous leggy blonde in a low cut dress.

He says to the salesman that he was going to spend a lot of money but it would be on the understanding that he'd pay by cheque
and pick up the goods on the Monday after the cheque had cleared

The blonde selects a £10,000 diamond necklace,a £4,000 bracelet and a pair of earrings at £7,000

On the Monday ,the old man gets a phone call from an irate jeweller saying the cheque had bounced.

He says "I know,but I've had a cracking weekend!!"

Mike Oxsaw 3:01 Sun Oct 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
63 immigrants died in Bradford this morning. It wasn't a terrorist incident - a bunk bed collapsed.

Police suspect Al Ikea.

devonhammer 7:06 Fri Oct 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
If you work security in a Samsung shop.....

Does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy??

mtchammer 5:38 Fri Oct 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Patisserie Valerie's finance chief has just been arrested after police discovered unusual turnover.

The Stoat 12:27 Thu Oct 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Walking past the shops the other day I was approached by several youths who demanded I got them a packet of Richmond, they gave me the cash and after returning from the shop they became aggressive and abusive, I thought to myself how inconsiderate of them and next time they can get their own fucking sausages

Swiss. 1:03 Wed Oct 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Aalborg

Respect. Always the best.

Aalborg Hammer 12:45 Wed Oct 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A man brings his best golf mate home early evening, unannounced, for dinner, after enjoying a day of golf and a couple of beers in the 19th.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is an f**ing mess, and the dishes aren't done.
I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get much sleep last night.  Can't you see I'm still in my f**king pyjamas?
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f**k did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?"
The husband says
"Because he's thinking of getting married''

Aalborg Hammer 1:03 Thu Oct 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"Do you have that new book on Cunnilingus for beginners?"



Librarian : "Sorry love, I'm new here and I don't know where anything is"



"Yeah, that's the one"

Aalborg Hammer 1:03 Thu Oct 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I've been subscribing to Orthopaedics Monthly for 15 years now.

I've got lots of back issues.

claret on my shirt 12:22 Mon Oct 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
In the last 30 years the Spuds have had more stadiums than trophies!

Dave Boozle 8:04 Sun Sep 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Bert and Mavis were getting married at the grand old ages of 85 and 83.

Before the wedding they visited the local chemist.

“Do you sell heart medication?” asked Bert

“Of course” replied the chemist

“What about pills for arthritis and lumbago?” asked Mavis

“Certainly” replied the chemist

“How about corn plasters, surgical stockings and back rests?” enquired Bert

“Yes, we’ve got all those” the chemist said

”Do you have wheelchairs and zimmer frames?” asked Mavis

““Yes, we have them in the back room” replied the chemist

That’s great” said Bert, “there’s just one more question”

“What’s that?” asked the chemist wondering what else they could require.

“Can we have our wedding list here”

Mad Dog 3:32 Sun Sep 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Jose mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard from again.

The McCanns have offered to help

The Stoat 2:20 Wed Sep 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
At a Glasgow Pub Quiz the final question to win a grand is:

Take That's first album had a four word title, the first two words were "Take That" what were the second two?

After a lengthy silence a wee Glaswegian fella stands up and shouts ...

"was it Ya Bastard?"

The Stoat 1:17 Mon Sep 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.


He's due to be bailed tomorrow

Aalborg Hammer 11:54 Mon Sep 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I have been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure the sunburn but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

The Stoat 3:04 Sun Sep 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.
His nurse his wife his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak
My son Seamus I want you to take the houses in Cultra
My daughter Geraldine you take the apartments over in Malone Road
My son Patrick Junior I want you to take the offices in the City centre
Bridget my dear wife please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away the nurse says to his wife
Mrs. O'Shaughnessy my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.

Property? his wife replies

The fucker had a window cleaning round

Aalborg Hammer 4:03 Thu Aug 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I went to see a house yesterday with period features - she hates me calling her that.

neco 3:02 Thu Aug 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I asked the wife if she wanted me to pick up fish & chips on my way home from work.
I think she regrets allowing me to name our kids!



When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse.

joyo 1:15 Thu Aug 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Swiss why don't you buy yourself a sense of humour,you sad little snowflake

Aalborg Hammer 12:24 Thu Aug 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A kid comes home from school and his grandad says "What did you do today,Lad?"

"I got a part in the school play.I'm playing a man who's been married for 29 years"

"Never mind,boy...you'll get a talking part next time"

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