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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

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Too Much Too Young 5:48 Wed Jul 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her snatch and then licking it.

"Steady love", i said, "you'll need that in the morning to help see the kids across the road".

Manip 3:16 Tue Jul 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Ag

Ridikzappa 11:03 Mon Jul 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just seen it’s John McCririck’s funeral this Friday at 5/2

Aalborg Hammer 6:41 Mon Jul 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Irish fella walking around Southampton Docks and he sees a Rolls Royce parked
A bloke in a suit with a bowler hat walks up
.
"Is dis your car,mister??"

"Yes" says the suit...

"How can you afford a car like that??"

"I work for Cunard"

"I worked Fuckin' hard ,but I can't afford a car like that"

Far East Hammer 9:50 Sun Jul 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I just heard that Shanghai were insisting on 25 million for Arnie, whilst West Ham were trying to hold out for 20 million for Arnie + Hugill

mallard 9:15 Thu Jul 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
To the person who stole my glasses.....


I will find you - I have contacts

Aalborg Hammer 5:05 Thu Jul 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Janet Street-Porter goes into a cocktail bar and says to the barman "Can I get a large aperitif?"
The barman says "No,I don't think you can, love"

CrowleyHammer 3:02 Thu Jul 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Ag

Willtell 3:01 Thu Jul 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A man rings 999 in a panic. "My wife is 9 months pregnant and has just started screaming!"

"What is she saying?"

"She is ranting about Jews!"

"Don't worry, it only means she's gone into Labour..."

plankton 9:29 Sat Jun 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I picked a lettuce from the garden for lunch today.

Made the salad, plonked it on the table and the kids asked, "What's that, dad?"

"That's a Russian Roulette Salad," I replied.

"Russian Roulette salad?" they chorused in unison.

"Yeah - there's one slug in it. Good luck."

Aalborg Hammer 8:52 Thu Jun 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

Coffee 8:11 Thu Jun 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
HATTIE JAQUES: "Doctor, please, I want to be wooed."

KENNETH: "You can be as wude as you like matron."

Mirkwood 4:36 Thu Jun 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My mate told me he was going on holiday for a fortnight so I asked him to bring me 800 cigs back. When he got back he gave me the cigs and I asked him how much I owed him
He said, "£385."

"Fuck me! Where you been?" I asked.

"Great Yarmouth," he replied.

joyo 2:38 Wed Jun 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Why are Catholic priests called father?
Because "daddy" would be too suspicious!

BRANDED 8:25 Tue Jun 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Dave Mustaine: Megadeth frontman diagnosed with cancer

13 Brentford Rd 1:10 Tue Jun 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Police stop a man on a motorbike to tell him his wife fell off the back of his bike half a mile back.

Man on motorbike replies.....
"Thank fuck for that I thought I'd gone deaf"

Aalborg Hammer 12:31 Tue Jun 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The wife said to me in bed last night “If you turn the bedside light off,I’ll take it up the bum”

In hindsight,maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...

East Auckland Hammer 3:29 Tue Jun 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Man: "What did your wife do just before she had the baby?"

Other man: "Yelled out FUUUUUUUUUCK and a little bit of poo came out"

Man: "I mean for work"

Other man: "Oh, book-keeping"

The Libertine 2:03 Mon Jun 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A serial killer takes a little girl into the woods at night. The girl screams and kicks and yells that she is really scared. Serial killer says, you are scared?? What about me, I have to go back through the scary woods all alone!

Helmut Shown 1:40 Mon Jun 17
Re: 1400 crap jokes.
A young air stewardess is on her first flight and as she is working at the back of the plane she hears

"Bing bong this is your captain speaking we are now flying at 35,000 feet and we will shortly be commencing our descent to Stanstead, I hope you are enjoying your flight with Easyjet and hope to see you again in the near future"

Unfortunately the pilot neglects to switch off the mike and his conversation with the co-pilot can be heard:

"What are you going to do when we land skip?" The co-pilot asks.

" Well" he replies "first off I'm gonna have a shit then I'm gonna try to get in the new stewardess's knickers"

On hearing this the stewardess runs up the aisle and trips arse over tit on an old dear's handbag and falls flat on her face.

The old girl leans over to her in the aisle and says "its ok no need to hurry he says he's having a shit first!"

Aalborg Hammer 9:11 Mon Jun 17
Re: 1400 crap jokes.
Got caught speeding in Lincoln city centre yesterday.



Bastards, I was only doing 30 knots!

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