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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Helmut Shown 8:21 Sun Oct 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I was coming out of an Italian restaurant the other day and one of the waiters was lying drunk in the gutter so I said to him “Hi tiddly Eyetie”

The Stoat 10:40 Sat Oct 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
If Benny & Bjorn from Abba were replaced by Steve & Dave they would be known as ASDA

Helmut Shown 5:49 Fri Oct 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An old couple go to see the doctor. He is 99 and she is 97.
She says to the doctor: "I'd like you to prescribe him some Viagra.
The doctor says : "Surely you are still not active sexually"
"No" she says "i cut them into four and it stops him pissing on his slippers"

Helmut Shown 11:01 Thu Oct 17
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A man goes into hospital for a circumcision operation. While he is under the surgeon's knife slips and slices off one of his testicles. Aware of the consequences of a medical incompetence lawsuit the surgeon goes down to the kitchen and gets a pickled onion and sews it into the poor victim's scrotum. Six weeks later the man returns to hospital for a postoperative examination.
"Any problems?" The surgeon asks.
" only one" replies the man replies "its a strange one, every time i see a cheese sandwich i get an erection"

Ridikzappa 12:37 Sun Oct 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.

So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

Helmut Shown 10:15 Sat Oct 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A young black bloke is walking along the shore in Jamaica and finds an old fashioned oil lamp. Rubbing the barnacles off, a big flash and a genie appears before him.
"Alright" says the genie " you know the score three wishes and I'm off"
"OK" the lad replies " I'd like a hundred million dollars"
A big flash and there's a hundred million dollars at his feet
"I would like a big mansion on Malibu beach for.my next wish"
Another flash and he is transported to Malibu and he has the keys to the enormous mansions he is standing in front of
"And your last wish?" Asks the genie.
"I'd like to be white and surrounded by fanny"
Another flash and he turns into a tampon

madeeasy 4:28 Wed Oct 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just text my Boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter"

He answered "I don't know".

I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"

Manip 9:15 Mon Oct 7
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I went to into a brothel last night and said how much for anal?
She said "Sixty quid"
I said"that's a bit expensive i think i'll leave it"
She said "Tight Arse!"
I said "Oh ...go on then.
swt

Queens Fish Bar 8:54 Wed Oct 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Had a job interview today.

I was asked "where do you see yourself in a years time?"

I said "How would I know, I haven't got 2020 vision."

Aalborg Hammer 9:58 Fri Sep 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Q: What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

Aalborg Hammer 10:24 Thu Sep 26
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

Son of Sam 9:24 Wed Sep 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
If at first you dont succeed...... then sky diving is not for you.

SUM A DING WONG 4:28 Fri Sep 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
JonWHUFC,

Very funny - i passed it on to a few!

JonWHUFC 3:19 Fri Sep 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
SUM - in deed I did. Thought it was funny so posted on here for those who may not have seen it. Good detective work though son. Cheers.

SUM A DING WONG 6:30 Thu Sep 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
JonWHUFC,

You saw the video of the bloke on the coach, too!

JonWHUFC 4:08 Thu Sep 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Murphy is on his way to the zoo to deliver a load of monkeys. On the way his van breaks down. If he doesn't deliver them he won't get paid. As he is standing by the roadside, as luck would have it, his mate Paddy pulls up in his van which is empty. "Paddy" he says "Would you do me a favour. If I give you £50 will you take these monkeys to the zoo for me?" Paddy says "Course I will Murph, load them on". Once done, Paddy sets off for the zoo and Murphy phones the AA. After an hour, he sees Paddy coming back still with the monkeys in the van. "What are you doing Paddy?" he says. "You were supposed to take them to the zoo". "I did" says Paddy "but I have some money left over so I am taking them to the pictures next"

Willtell 9:42 Thu Sep 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

Aalborg Hammer 8:56 Wed Sep 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A dwarf spiritualist has escaped from Dartmoor prison.
The Honiton Times has a headline "Small Medium at Large"

Mike Oxsaw 6:41 Mon Sep 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Dear Vegans. I'm tucking into this steak because the cow that it came from was eating your food.

You're welcome.

Aalborg Hammer 5:57 Mon Sep 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My nephew is a Scouser and his birthday is tomorrow. He said he didn't know what he wanted so said just give him money. Therefore I've put a £20 note in his Grandma's purse.

madeeasy 2:47 Mon Sep 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Not sure if my last text I got was a scam, but it said i'd won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show..

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