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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Aalborg Hammer 1:43 Tue Nov 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A cannibal came back from holiday with only one arm.
His mate said “What happened to you?”

The cannibal said “I went self-catering”

The Stoat 12:23 Sun Nov 10
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A German dwarf jumped in the river to rescue my dog yesterday.

Thankfully he managed to get it back on the bank and said you vill need to wrap him up vorm, give him plenty of vitamin c and keep a close eye on him for hypothermia.

I said I cannot thank you enough, are you a little vet?

A little vet he replied, I am fucking soaking

lab 7:49 Sun Nov 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Cheers Joyo

joyo 2:37 Sun Nov 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
"you can't beat Bournemouth this time of year"

lab 5:42 Sat Nov 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
It’s on this thread somewhere .....a Man U supporter walks into a travel agent and asks for a few days break , the punchline has something to do with Bournemouth , can someone remind me of it ? I need to wind up a Man U supporter . Thanks.

Helmut Shown 1:49 Sat Nov 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A man goes to the doctor's.
He says "Ive got a problem with my foot."
The doctor says : "Put it on the table I'll have a look"
The man takes out his penis and slaps it on the table.
The doctor says "That's not a foot!"
"I know" says the man "but it's a good eleven inches"

arsene york-hunt 2:21 Sat Nov 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Went to a fancy dress and met a black bloke with his knob in a bowl of custard looking rather angry.

I asked him:"What have you come as?"

He said "I's fuckin' dis custard."

Helmut Shown 9:55 Fri Nov 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

Helmut Shown 9:50 Fri Nov 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I'm going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She's particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon

arsene york-hunt 8:38 Fri Nov 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A squaddie walks into a pub and orders a pie. When he has eaten the pie he grabs a man, cuts off his ear and eats it.

The barman calls the Military Police; one comes and arrests the squaddie.

"What's your regiment?" the MP asks.

He replies: "I'm in the pie 'n' ear corps."

The Stoat 3:51 Fri Nov 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An Policeman was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating while on duty

No name has been given but he is a high wanking officer.

Slow_Joe 7:12 Thu Oct 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just started a new job as a postman and everyone is saying I'm the worst postman they have ever seen..



Shit, meant to post this somewhere else..

Aalborg Hammer 3:17 Wed Oct 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I went to the doctors yesterday for a full check up and after removing my underwear, the doctor remarked that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone.

I explained that its a family trait and we all have genitals shaped like musical instruments.

The doctor was astounded and said in all his years he’d never seen anything like but then remembered he did have a female patient who had a vagina shaped like a mouth organ.

I told him that’ll be our Monica.

Helmut Shown 3:27 Sun Oct 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An Irishman starts work at a building site. He goes into the hut to get his safety equipment. The foreman gives him a pair of wellies and a safety helmet.
"Excuse me" says the Irishman " but why is there an "L" on one boot and an "R" on the other? "
"It's health and safety"says the foreman "It stands for left and right to make sure you put them on the right feet"
"And what about the "F" and the "B" on the helmet" says the Irishman?
"Health and safety again" says the foreman "so you dont put it on back to front"
"Well that's amazing" says Paddy "Is that why my wife was told to get her knickers at C&A?" *

*This joke was originally told before C&A went bankrupt in Britain

Helmut Shown 8:19 Thu Oct 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Two men standing at time urinal one says to the other: "You're Jewish aren't you?"
" As a matter of fact I am. How did you know?" replied the other man.
"You're circumcised and what's more you were circumcised by Dr Katz" the first man says
"That's incredible how did you know that?" He replies incredulously
"Well everybody knows Dr Katz is blind in one eye causing him to cut on the slant and you've just pissed in my pocket"

Ridikzappa 7:24 Thu Oct 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Last time I ordered a Chinese it arrived cold

ted fenton 10:50 Tue Oct 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Sad, sad people who are setting off fireworks in the middle of October.
One frightened the cat so much it ran up the Xmas tree.

The Stoat 9:59 Tue Oct 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A Red Indian Chief introduced me to his wife

This is my wife, her name is four horses

What a beautiful name I replied, how did she get that name I asked

He replied

Fucking Nag Nag Nag Nag

Helmut Shown 8:21 Sun Oct 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I was coming out of an Italian restaurant the other day and one of the waiters was lying drunk in the gutter so I said to him “Hi tiddly Eyetie”

The Stoat 10:40 Sat Oct 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
If Benny & Bjorn from Abba were replaced by Steve & Dave they would be known as ASDA

Helmut Shown 5:49 Fri Oct 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
An old couple go to see the doctor. He is 99 and she is 97.
She says to the doctor: "I'd like you to prescribe him some Viagra.
The doctor says : "Surely you are still not active sexually"
"No" she says "i cut them into four and it stops him pissing on his slippers"

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