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Q: 2020/2021 Where will we finish up this season?
a. Top Four, Champions League here we come
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e. GSB have derailed our season before a ball has been kicked, the Championship beckons
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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Aalborg Hammer 11:19 Tue Sep 15
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Q.What's 'Jargon?'

A. It's what people in Dorset do to keep fit.

Aalborg Hammer 10:46 Fri Sep 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Bill Gates was going to name his next kid after the man he respects so much these days, Elon Musk. But he thought that would be stretching it a bit ....

Willtell 6:01 Tue Sep 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin."

Willtell 5:59 Tue Sep 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Now I’m getting older I find that I only use 3 shops.

Spec savers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls....

Bungo 6:56 Sat Sep 5
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Viewer: This programme is really boring.

Manager: Once again, this is a Zoom meeting.

ted fenton 5:53 Fri Sep 4
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Jimmy Tarbuck addresses the Liverpool crowded stadium.....

"We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers (Liverpudlians) are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?"

Jingo gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Tarbuck asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Jingo says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then the Scousers start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Tarbuck says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"

Tarbuck looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Jingo starts crying, but then the 45,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting.......

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Tarbuck, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good, eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium. Jingo closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouser crowd stands to a man, waving their arms, stomping their feet and screaming .............

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Sniper 1:39 Thu Sep 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Speaking of farm animals, I recently went walking through a field when I saw an old farmer leaning on a walking stick, tears rolling down his face

I asked him what was wrong and could I help at all.

He looked at me with intense gratitude as he said ‘My sheep dog got run over yesterday, and I can’t walk properly. Could you round up my 297 sheep for me?’

‘Sure,’ I said, ‘300’ and I left him to his thoughts.

ted fenton 8:48 Wed Sep 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Me and the wife were driving to visit some family . She starts as usual "watch that tree, slow down, "moaning away , anyway got so heated we ended up not speaking. Next thing the stupid sat nav leads us down this narrow lane to a farm yard by mistake . She looks at the pigs, sheep and cows and says sarcastically "relatives of yours?" I replied "yeah in-laws"

Aalborg Hammer 12:15 Mon Aug 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder.

Finally, she screamed loudly "Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the **** car!!".

WSM Hammer 8:43 Sat Aug 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Despite getting A-level results of
A, B, B, A

it seems that no employer will take a chance on me!

Aalborg Hammer 8:19 Tue Aug 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Went to the gym earlier, while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

So anyway... she's made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life

ted fenton 12:35 Sun Aug 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN WHERE YOU'LL BE SINGING THIS ALL DAY 🙂
A mate of mine was scuba diving when he was attacked by a snake-like creature which kept biting at his face mask, and he asked me what it might be.
I told him "When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie .... that's a Moray!"

Nutsin 4:22 Sun Aug 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What did the leper say to the prostitute?



Keep the tip!

Nutsin 3:36 Sun Aug 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What's blue and smells like red paint?


Blue paint!

Manip 2:31 Sun Aug 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I Had A Teacher At School Called Mr Turtle.
Strange Name.
But He Tortoise Well.
swt

Exiled In Surrey 11:18 Sat Aug 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What is the square root of 69?

Ate something.

Aalborg Hammer 8:47 Sat Aug 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The circus midget married couple went to the midwife for her first scan of the new baby. The nurse says "Do you care what it is??" "No" says the husband "as long as it fits in the cannon"

Iron Duke 2:39 Fri Aug 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Plankton, it’s been done before.

1983 I think.

147man 1:15 Fri Aug 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My mum and dad were both dwarves

They struggled their whole lives to put food on the table

plankton 1:09 Fri Aug 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Not sure if this has been done before... apologies if so,
_____________________

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman".

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood and eventually went to the front door of her first house, where she asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

ted fenton 1:32 Wed Aug 19
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

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