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Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)

Usual rules apply

The Stoat 9:25 Wed Apr 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Three parrots are for sale at a pet shop for £250, £150 and £20.
A woman asks "why is that one so cheap ?" The shopkeeper replies "It used to live in a brothel and says some vulgar stuff."
The woman thinks its funny and buy's the parrot.
When the woman gets home the parrot says "blimey, a new brothel," and the woman laughs.
Next her two teenage daughters come home from work and the parrot says "blimey new hookers!" and they all laugh.
Finally the woman's husband arrives home and the parrot says ,
"Blimey Ted I haven't seen you for weeks !"

The Stoat 10:49 Tue Apr 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Marriage guidance counsellor; “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

Husband; “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

Wife; “Seven weeks.”

The Stoat 10:25 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

ted fenton 9:50 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Hahaha

These should make Dandy Lyon smile :-)

The Stoat 9:47 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

ted fenton 9:11 Mon Apr 12

Or his Brother Skyd who invented brown pants

ted fenton 9:11 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist, but very few people know about his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

Aalborg Hammer 12:32 Mon Apr 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Q. What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

A. Ian

Helmut Shown 8:29 Fri Apr 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Three blokes go on a ski trip together. When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the bloke on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.” The bloke on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that he’s had the same dream, too. The bloke in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamt I was skiing.”

Helmut Shown 8:26 Fri Apr 9
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month

Aalborg Hammer 8:36 Thu Apr 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Just went to see a faith healer perform.

He was so bad even a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Aalborg Hammer 7:36 Tue Apr 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Q. What do you call an Aardvark that gets beaten up all the time?
A . A Vark

brabrook 12:51 Tue Apr 6
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

joe royal 5:14 Fri Apr 2
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

I rung up work this morning..

"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

Darlo Debs 9:04 Wed Mar 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Bunch of 5 lads come out of Elland Road after having their covid jabs singing I Predict A Riot -They are the Pfizer Chiefs.

The Stoat 3:58 Wed Mar 31
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

The other day I spotted an Albino Dalmation


Well it was the least I could do for him

arsene york-hunt 11:15 Tue Mar 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

Martians land in london on a research probe. They start by watching TV and the adverts are on.

They mission commander immediately calls back to mission control and says: " Our navigation is faulty, we've landed in fucking Africa!"

ted fenton 1:53 Thu Mar 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

I'm just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little sods name is Kevin 🤣🙈

ted fenton 12:51 Wed Mar 24
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the Subject “Ding Dong” don’t open it, they’re Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home

Coffee 5:18 Tue Mar 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

riosleftsock 9:16 Thu Mar 18

Ha ha!

claret on my shirt 1:47 Tue Mar 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

How do you get 1000 Ethiopians in a telephone box? Throw in a tin of baked beans!

How do get them all out? Run past the phone box with a tin opener

riosleftsock 9:16 Thu Mar 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)

"Consonant please"
"Consonant please"
"Consonant please"
"Consonant please"
"Consonant please"
"Consonant please"
"Consonant please"
"Consonant please"
"and another Consonant please"


Pickle playing Polish Countdown

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