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mart 6:06 Tue Dec 11
Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Had the biggest shock of my life last week when a one-night stand from several years ago contacted me to say her 5-year-old daughter was mine. Never even knew she existed. The mum thought it was her ex's but a recent DNA test has proved otherwise. She is a single mum of 2.

I am having a DNA test this week to prove it (but from what she says it seems about 99% certain at this point, I am her only other option).

I have a partner and a 2 year old daughter now - my partner and I are devastated about this.

Has anyone been in this kind of situation and has any advice/words of wisdom?!

Haven't made any decisions about what I would do yet, still trying to get my head around it.

Thanks

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Dave Boozle 4:34 Fri Dec 14
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Joe, I concur were it to have been based on the OP.

However his comments below are unacceptable whichever way you wish to paint this. Had she been in a loving family until now I would again agree with your comments but she's already been rejected once.

If she is his then he needs to man up and take responsibility.

As to your last point, kids of this age are acutely aware of their situation and stability. Love and support is essential at this age, and rejecting her is completely the wrong thing to do.

joe royal 4:14 Fri Dec 14
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Dave , he is talking about a stranger , both the ex who he knew for a few hours and the kid who until last week had no idea she existed .

It’s not proven if the kid is his yet , leave the scum and castrated remarks until we get the full picture.

Not everyone is the perfect parent , we can’t all be like you .

Dave Boozle 4:08 Fri Dec 14
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
"The ex apparently never saw the kid (or told his family about her) even though he thought it was his."

"My daughter with my partner (we would like to have another child as well) will always mean everything to me, and I feel that this girl will always be second best to them. I'm not being heartless, I just feel it's an unavoidable fact."

So your daughter has been rejected by the first man she thought was her dad and now she's being rejected again by the next man she thinks is her dad.

This is your fucking daughter. What a vile piece of scum you are. You should be castrated and not allowed to have any more children.

joe royal 3:48 Fri Dec 14
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Shaggy style was what started this.

bruuuno 1:32 Fri Dec 14
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Just deny it, shaggy style

mart 10:47 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
The ex apparently never saw the kid (or told his family about her) even though he thought it was his.

Not sure what the trigger was for him having the DNA test - presumably something to do with child maintenance.

dealcanvey 6:36 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Am I the only one wondering why this mum has done a DNA test with her ex and her 5 year old daughter after all this time?

The ex for the last 5 years could have thought the whole time the child was his and the mum said nothing about it? Now she is single she is looking for more financial support?

Of course if you are the father you have to be there for her but from the outside looking in this mum sounds like trouble to me.

Mike Oxsaw 5:55 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
mart 5:27 Thu Dec 13

All you state are solvable issues. Kids are remarkably resilient and knowing.

You may just find that all she needs is to know you're there (and hopefully available to help her when she needs it).

It may be that, if things develop, she will want to spend a few weekends with her new second family, and, of course, you should be ready with an instant "Yes!" and not even think about brushing her of for a later date.

It may also be that she's genuinely curious and you get hit with thousands of questions you cannot answer (I was when my kids' mother dumped them on me then stopped all contact for 4 years). So long as you are open with her, and, equally important, emphasise that none of what happened was "her fault" (kids can get ideas like that), you may well end up with a wonderful future.

gank 5:47 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
1) take the test.

2) depends upon the result.

If you are the farther, step up and be the father. Don't use loving one child more than another as an excuse, that just makes you a cunt.

If you are not the father, wait until she is of legal age then pull her and fuck her. Make sure her mum knows about it, that'll teach her for waiting 5 years and putting you through all this now.

Just don't knock her up, whatever you do!

Uncle Gank sorts your problems

mart 5:27 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Hi - OP back again.

Thanks for all your replies. Many of them have been genuinely useful.

Of course the girl has a right to know her father and she will, but at the same time we are always going to be in two separate families.

My daughter with my partner (we would like to have another child as well) will always mean everything to me, and I feel that this girl will always be second best to them. I'm not being heartless, I just feel it's an unavoidable fact.

I will have barely any say in what she does in her life. I will not know her like I know my own daughters, I will not love her mother.

I've been reading how not having a father can often have a negative impact on children - and that is of course why I would want to be a presence and to help.

But at some point she will realise that I am closer to my other children and more devoted to them. And would that end up doing more harm than good in terms of her self-esteem and self-worth? I don't know - it's just one of the many, many things I have been thinking about.

(And we did use protection btw, but evidently not throughly enough)

joe royal 4:08 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
http://www.westhamonline.net/forum_flat.php?8404466|a0

“Asking for a friend”

joe royal 4:07 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
How odd , two years ago mart was asking for a friend about a pregnant girlfriend , now he has a five year old as well.

No replies from him yet .

SurfaceAgentX2Zero 2:43 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Also, I'm pretty sure a five year old couldn't give a fuck about your life outside. Humans are entirely self-centred until at least 26 and often older than that.

SurfaceAgentX2Zero 2:41 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Razzle. I'm not sure a human is fully formed at age five.

I rarely agree with Hairy, but he's right about one thing. The only entirely innocent actor in this play is the kid.

NDT 1:52 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Nurse Ratched 6:02 Wed Dec 12

LOL!

Razzle 12:18 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Question would be why has it taken 5 years?

That child is biologically connected but all the formative years have passed. I would suggest it would be your choice to get involved or not.
A child has a right to know their biological parents.

If you choose to meet the young person, meet with your family, don't do it on one-to-one. It shows that you have a life outside.

Mike Oxsaw 11:19 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
What kind of fucking WIMP bottles out of taking ANY test?

joyo 10:55 Thu Dec 13
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Vexed might not be a jaffa, but he's definitely a fruitcake!

Vexed 8:59 Wed Dec 12
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Hurtful stuff. Is that it?

Side of Ham 8:53 Wed Dec 12
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
Said by Vexed.........a jaffa.

Vexed 8:35 Wed Dec 12
Re: Finding out you have a child you never knew about
I wouldn't be taking that test for starters. Leave the element of doubt in play for as long as possible. Ignore the whole situation.

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