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Q: 2023/24 Hopes & aspirations for this season
a. As Champions of Europe there's no reason we shouldn't be pushing for a top 7 spot & a run in the Cups
b. Last season was a trophy winning one and there's only one way to go after that, I expect a dull mid table bore fest of a season
c. Buy some f***ing players or we're in a battle to stay up & that's as good as it gets
d. Moyes out
e. New season you say, woohoo time to get the new kit and wear it it to the pub for all the big games, the wags down there call me Mr West Ham

Alfie 12:43 Sat Nov 9
Signs of ageing

Swallowing is harder

Pissing takes longer

You notice women ignore you - there are no second glances

Ears ring after previously inoffensive noise levels

Words are harder to catch

You look at young people & realise what you have lost / once had

You wonder if your missus sees the decline you do

You look at your gut more in the mirror. Quickly and only see thr edges

Old trousers fail to fit

You need to wear a scarf and big coat in the cold then remember how you didnt give a fuck about cold when young

You tell younger people to put on coats when its cold

Your tooth gets sweeter

Current music sounds shit / winds you up

When pissing or shitting - the finish marker has got a bit blurry and ill disciplined

Sometimes in the morning you feel hungover when you havent had a drink

You think of bed with the same relish you once thought of fucking / fighting / drinking / wanking / going football

You watch old episodes of top of the pops

Youve still got tapes somewhere

You used to be a raver but no fucker can visualise it

You prefer sitting down

You do not know where to get fashionable drugs

You look in desperation for seats on the train and get the ump if there are none

Your arms dont work how they used to

You realise that collectively all of these things are happening because you have less life left than youve lived

Your chin gets chubbier & less defined

If they have not left you already - you begin to think about what it must be like when your old man or mum go outers

You start sizing up other people your age for signs of age / decreptitude and either feel better or worse for it accordingly

You notice the seasons more

Your dreams are weirder

People who piss you off are told / ignored / fucked off because you realise one day youll be a long time dead & are too old to go chasing bods / women / family / cunts

This makes you feel free'r & in control - although in the back of your mind you know youve begun the long inexorable slide towards being dead - forever.

You think about your pension & realise it will buy a sausage roll and bag of crisps and that you might need to work until you are dead and bleeding from the gums.

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Northern Sold 11:46 Fri Nov 15
Re: Signs of ageing
Listening to old man Gold this morning talking about VAR

"I don't think the refs should get involved... they will be puffed out having to run the length of the pitch to look at a monitor"

Stupid old senile cunt

Joe C 11:18 Fri Nov 15
Re: Signs of ageing
Getting an allotment

Bungo 10:12 Fri Nov 15
Re: Signs of ageing
I seem to be on the target list for the 'would you like to pay for your funeral in advance?' direct mailers now.

Alan Alan Devonshire 9:13 Fri Nov 15
Re: Signs of ageing
Sadly, I recognise a lot of these. Here's another I had as someone in their mid 50s. Being asked by the barber when paying if you have the OAP rate!

Hello Mrs. Jones 10:46 Thu Nov 14
Re: Signs of ageing
Knee is fucked. Going for an MRI tomorrow. Looks like a torn meniscus. Fucking agony!!

Peckham 10:27 Thu Nov 14
Re: Signs of ageing
You destroy a clubs 120 year history, piss off 1000s of its fan base, dress like a cunt and Russian Czar, employ a bird with big tits you have known for years to run your new vanity project and get your kid running things. Finally not giving a fuck about any of the above. Ageing indecently.

Peckham 10:13 Thu Nov 14
Re: Signs of ageing
You used to be a raver but no fucker can visualise it. So true.
The most bravest thing you have done , brilliant Alfie, the MacDonalds show down. His eyes were the colour of Ed Sheerans hair or a tramps fingers. Along with all nuggetted up. Cracked me up. Thank you.

BRANDED 8:27 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
You shit in the bath? You filthy filthy cunt.

Far Cough 7:43 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
Your ballbag gets wet when you take a shit

kylay 7:16 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
I'm 40 and too much of this resonates.

Women never really looked at me though.

Helmut Shown 5:49 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
No matter how many times you hitch up your trousers you are always showing two inches of bumcrack

riosleftsock 2:45 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
MiM, that's true. I was watching some old films from early last century interviewing people in their 80s, 90s and 100s. The link led me to loads and loads more.

I reckon this report of people living longer is absolute bollocks. Just a statistical anomaly.

BRANDED 2:31 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
Yes, the decline of child mortality matters a lot for the increase of life expectancy. But as this chart shows, there is much more to it.

Child mortality is defined as the number of children dying before their 5th birthday. To see how life expectancy has improved without taking child mortality into account we therefore have to look at the prospects of a child who just survived their 5th birthday: in 1841 a 5-year old could expect to live 55 years. Today a 5-year old can expect to live 82 years. An increase of 27 years.

At higher ages mortality patterns have also changed. A 50-year old could once expect to live an additional twenty years. Today the life expectancy of a 50-year old has increased to an additional 33 years.


Nagel 2:14 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
mashed in maryland 12:28 Wed Nov 13

I always find it weird when people misinterpret life expectancy as if most died of old age in their 40s/50s before modern times.

Even the bible had it that our time on earth is 70-80 years, in a psalm allegedly written around 1500 BC:

"The days of our years are three score years and ten;
and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years,
yet is their strength labour and sorrow;
for it is soon cut off, and we fly away."

Mind you, the bible also has someone living up to the age of 969 so maybe that's not the best source of information.

BRANDED 1:42 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
Getting fuck loads of direct mail on how to spend your savings and pension.
Getting inundated with fine wine, classic car and five star holiday marketing.
Getting Tory literature and activists at your door in the assumption you'd care.
Buying certain expensive clothing brands that you'd have been unable to afford or were too sensible to buy when younger.
Buying more expensive cheese because you like the taste more.
Home brewing double dry hopped east coast IPAs in nice shiny stainless steel conical fermenters imported from Oregon but made in China and putting them into the regional home brew competition in Hoxton.
Always reminding younger people how lucky we were when we were younger and how awful it must be for them now.

mashed in maryland 12:28 Wed Nov 13
Re: Signs of ageing
Not strictly true. Most people died only a little younger than they do today, just infant mortality and disease brought the average down.

gph 11:59 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
14th century middle-age depended on your class much more.

Lots of nobs made to to 60+.

Very few others did.

Nurse Ratched 11:48 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
Are you lot middle aged in the 14th century??

arsene york-hunt 11:48 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
When you watch a film or tV programme when you know you have already seen it but can remember fuck all abour it.

eusebiovic 11:44 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
When taking a shit you need a chewtoy or something to bite down on like an old barbers leather strap...

Gavros 9:42 Tue Nov 12
Re: Signs of ageing
There is Nurse. Its called www.westhamonline.net

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