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Tomshardware 7:48 Mon Jan 13
Anxiety/depression
Been through bad time lately with suffering with this. Dark thoughts as well. I know some posters on here suffer with this. Anyone come through the other side of this shit?

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Roeder-nowhere 9:52 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
Sorry to hear you have been through Similar Mike. There seem to be similarities so I can understand at least and would be interested in the path you took. Believe me I have looked at all options. If we hadn’t had kids the decision would be simple and I’d have walked away happily long ago.
Funny you mentioned the controlling issue. Mine has done that, wanted me to quit my previous job as she wasn’t coping with the first new born. Always an excuse to ring me at work because of some ‘crisis’ then the threats started of me leaving the job or getting a job working from home/closer etc
Funny really cos now I’m working from home and I’m in her hair and she’s asking when the office will reopen fully. Then we’ll be back to, where are you, what time are you home etc etc
What’s made it harder is her upbringing has given her all the financial support she has needed, but parents who adopted her as a baby and still didn’t give her the love she needed. She was the baby that all her mums mates had so the Mother got one. Then sent her away whenever possible, left her with nannies, and even took to beating her and telling her she should have taken her back to the adoption centre. Thats not to excuse her behaviour with me, but it helps me to understand perhaps why it is happening.

Mike Oxsaw 8:59 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
I suffered (although nothing like you) similar situations. My (now) -ex was very, very insecure.

Whatever I tried wasn't what she wanted - turned out that what she did want was for me to give up my work and all my outside interests and focus everything on her, which was never going to work - but that was her idea of an ideal relationship.

My next suggestion was going to be to suggest letting her decide the path, try and get her to say what, exactly it is, she wants (not what she doesn't want) but you've probably tried that, too.

How I solved the issue I had is probably not the way you want to go, so I'll hand over to somebody better qualified.

Roeder-nowhere 8:31 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
Yeah of course this can be done Mike and has been in the past, but it hasn’t achieved much other than her getting more ratted being alone ‘relaxing’ so I’ve born the brunt on my return. I think ME being away for a weekend alone is what’s needed. Done that in the past for work reasons and the children were told “daddy went away and didn’t want to take us” - no win situation

Side of Ham 7:07 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
You need to get her to see her behaviour after one of her episodes and better still you need it to cover your arse should you snap.

I worked with a girl who ended up stabbing her abusive boyfriend to death whilst being attacked.
She would have gone down for full on murder had HIS family not testified he was a violent drunk. She still got found guilty of manslaughter and did a few years time. You don't have this as a back up, and it sounds like it's on tender hooks for either of you.

With home security being so easily accessible it would be easy to do and to keep private for you both.

Mike Oxsaw 6:56 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
OK, I suspect we're already hurtling up a cul-de-sac here, but even then, is there nowhere a couple of hours drive away where you can spend the day? WillTells place?? -- No! only joking!!!

I'm pushing at a real-world physical separation here, just to put some space into the equation.

Roeder-nowhere 5:35 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
It’s actually in another part of France so I would just be hanging around with French friends of hers I don’t know. No problem enterthe kids myself but the point is it’s supposed to be a ‘break’ for her. Probably not happening now for covid reasons

Mike Oxsaw 4:06 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
While she's partying, could you not show the kids some of "your history"?

Mine were fascinated when I took them "away" for a few hours and I showed them where I was working at the time, where I grew up (they thought it was a complete dump, which it had certainly become) where the team I supported played and other mundane stuff.

Roeder-nowhere 3:54 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
Thanks Billy, I’ll check it out.

Roeder-nowhere 3:53 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
Done that many a time Mike. She has a mates 50th soon and was more than happy to let her fly over and celebrate for 4-5 days. Instead she started planning us all going!!? 🤷🏼‍♂️ Which just creates more stress and means me looking after the kids when it’s late and she’s getting ratted with friends.

Billy Blagg 2:37 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression

Roeder-nowhere 1:54 Wed Apr 21

That was a tough read mate and I feel for you. I have some insight into this but I will Whomail you.

Mike Oxsaw 2:36 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
Roeder-nowhere 9:13 Thu Apr 22

OK - all I was going to suggest is that you offer to take the kids away for a weekend - to give her a break.

Of course there's no way of knowing what she'll read into such an offer, but if it's not taken up quickly, quietly leave it on the table and see if she comes around to the idea of her own accord.

Roeder-nowhere 9:15 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
You take your shit with you Norman wherever you go. But France isn’t and will never be my home

Roeder-nowhere 9:13 Thu Apr 22
Re: Anxiety/depression
Mike - don’t believe so all though she knows about it.

normansmymate 10:30 Wed Apr 21
Re: Anxiety/depression
Theres a 1950ish Hitchcock film called "Strangers on a Train", thank me later Son.

Mr Kenzo 6:11 Wed Apr 21
Re: Anxiety/depression
Living and spending time in France does that to a lot of people. Good Luck

Mike Oxsaw 5:00 Wed Apr 21
Re: Anxiety/depression
Roeder-nowhere 2:00 Wed Apr 21

Does/can she read this website?

Roeder-nowhere 2:00 Wed Apr 21
Re: Anxiety/depression
BTW excuse the user name. It was created when Glen was our manager and we were on the slide. Been meaning to change it even before his passing.

Roeder-nowhere 1:54 Wed Apr 21
Re: Anxiety/depression
Well, I've been meaning to write on here for ages after following peoples posts for some time. Not sure why i haven't, probably the same reason I haven't sought professional help for the depression and big black hole I see ahead of me. So here goes.. apologies ait's feckin long one!! I have been having problems with my partner and the subsequent turmoil, depression and abuse this relationship has brought me recently has just reached tipping point. I'm not gonna jump in front of a train although the thought has crossed my mind I wouldn't because of the kids. Not really finding a suitable answer despite knowing I have to get out of this relationship, however it's not quite that simple, never is.

My wife has never been the most grounded of people and has never really had help for any mental health problems she has or demons she has needed to face in the past 20 years. She's constantly anxious, nervous, fraught with nervous energy and overly tired due to insomnia. But there's no excuse for abuse and that's what I am facing. Hard to own up to as a man facing abuse from his wife. So, whatever her issues, this has manifested itself in verbal abuse for quite some time and just recently physical (often in front of the kids when sober and drunk). The bottle is the usual escape for her which of course makes things worse for her and then me, she aint no happy drunk!! Not a week that goes by when I'm not called a c**t, imbecile, useless, bad Father you name it. It has got to the stage where i can't even react o respond for fear of being kicked out of the flat. She doesn't work, doesn't need to as her Dads trust fund when he passed away pays her out monthly. I'm working from home so of course since the pandemic things have become even more difficult.

I've tried to help her with the issues for years and have been more than supportive but got nowhere. Now with 2 kids she just can't cope, looking after them, their bickering, taking them to school and collecting them. But in all honesty she has very little to do, I do 95% of the housework (often getting barked at to do this and that whilst attempting to work in what is a stressful job as it is whilst she lies on the sofa watching TV. I walk the dogs, do the shopping and at the weekend the kids are usually 'mine' to entertain. Her bahaviour is often completely bipolar, and I've often thought she may be on the scale to some extent. But her impatience, shouting, abuse or need for alcohol is always my fault, I'm to blame for it cos I cause it apparently. she can shout and scream for me to get out of her life, F off, leave and find a place of my own, then 2 hours later she's talking about what I'll wear for a wedding we have in December!!? In the few relative calm moments where I have been able to talk to her about our relationship and what's happened and what to do she has said yes I do love you and do want to stay with you (but I need to HELP her she says - as though I do nothing) but her behaviour and words of course totally contradicts that. We hardly talk, I flinch when she comes near me now and we hardly have any physical contact anymore. Why would I want to with somebody who calls me all sorts of names under the sun, tells the kids I'm a bad person who doesn't help or love her (they're both under 8 ffs why use them as a weapon or even think about involving them in this shit)? I've had my eldest crying telling me not to leave her on the numerous times I have been told to pack my bags or even locked out of the house temporarily.

Why don't I leave? Bizarrely I do still actually love my wife, i also stupidly moved to her home Country (France) because her Father has a 2nd home here which she allowed us to move to rent free when the 2nd child was born. I gave up a job to come here being told it's cheaper and rent free and struggled to find work for a long time. I've now nowhere to go in the UK even if that were an option. Now that I do work, all my money goes into our joint account yet she calls me a sponger for 'not paying her rent' and has told her friends I used to charge her rent when living in rented accommodation in Scotland. No, we went halves on the rent as she wanted a bigger, better flat and I paid virtually all the bills and payments being the biggest earner. She didn't work there either.
So that's another reason I am struggling to move, my French isn't so good and I don't have the 2k plus I'll need to move into a new place. Even if I did have that my income would be drained in no time for a flat near the kids. The plan was always to stay for a short while and save for a deposit for a house back in the UK. But she's a spendthrift, spends money the instant we have it, usually on needless things so come the end of the month we are literally having to borrow money form our daughters piggy bank.

Then there's the kids. I can't leave them alone with her and I'd also miss them terribly. I've made them my all in my life, which isn't right, not completely through my own fault because it's hard to make friends in another Country. The few times I did used to go out for French lessons or to have a drink there'd be a big fuss (she's a control freak too just to add to the list) and phone calls asking when I'm coming back or saying she's leaving the kids in the house alone cos they are doing her head in. So really my life is my kids, west ham and my job which i bloody hate.

You're probably thinking wtf are you doing with her in the first place? Well it wasn't always like this, the stress of no support network for the kids plus all her other unresolved issues have just taken things out of control. I'm a patient man but all my patience goes on the kids and work not and i can't pander to her often outlandish needs as I used to. I'm no saint, of course, although a friend of hers has called me that in front of her whilst others have told me behind her back they don't know how I cope, why don't I leave her, "I must have been a bastard in a former life" etc. Well, there's the dilemma. I've got to ride out living in the Country for another 8-10 years until the kids are older and hopefully they'll go off to Uni back in the UK ideally. I suppose I just have to be brave and sensible enough to realise I have to get out somehow but mentally and emotionally I'm exhausted, living in fear I can get kicked out at any moment, that she might lose her rag cos a soup bowl has been put in the wrong place. At the end of my tether and can't find a way out.

Sniper 4:35 Mon Apr 12
Re: Anxiety/depression - in my opinion
Enlighten

https://m.facebook.com/pg/EnlightenTheSh1/posts/

https://mobile.twitter.com/ENLIGHTENTheSh1

Sniper 4:31 Mon Apr 12
Re: Anxiety/depression - in my opinion
Mental health studies

https://participate.mqmentalhealth.org/

Sniper 4:30 Mon Apr 12
Re: Anxiety/depression - in my opinion
Just a few links to different pages on Twitter where people are carrying out research or offering support that may interest people on this thread.

A phd student doing research into make suicide and mental health:

https://mobile.twitter.com/susie_research/status/1379784067328135170

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