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WHO Poll

Q: 2023/24 Hopes & aspirations for this season

a. As Champions of Europe there's no reason we shouldn't be pushing for a top 7 spot & a run in the Cups
24%

b. Last season was a trophy winning one and there's only one way to go after that, I expect a dull mid table bore fest of a season
17%

c. Buy some f***ing players or we're in a battle to stay up & that's as good as it gets
18%

d. Moyes out
38%

e. New season you say, woohoo time to get the new kit and wear it it to the pub for all the big games, the wags down there call me Mr West Ham
3%

IsaacHock
Send IsaacHock a WHOmail

REALNAME - Isaac Hock
AGE - 29
OCCUPATION -
HEROES - DiCanio
PLACE - ᶠᶸᶜᵏᵧₒᵤ

Here are some behavioural rules for participation in WHO:-

1. Expected behaviour on \\\\\\\'GRRRR\\\\\\\' posts.

Should you choose to participate in a GRRRR type thread, remember that all of WHO will be watching your post to gain an insight into your assumed sexual prowess based on your viewpoint. If your comment indicates that you would consider yourself fortunate indeed to engage in sexual intercourse with the GRRRR, you will be considered to be a social inadequate. However, if you indicate that the GRRRR is well below your usual standards, this same audience will naturally assume that you are a jet-setting playboy with the associated lifestyle.

2. Opinions - The rule of three and invoking IWOJ.

If you state a controversial opinion, the rule of three comes into play. The next three posters to opine on your original opinion will either agree or disagree with your original statement. Should two of the three posts disagree with your original comment, you should look to invoke IWOJ (I Was Only Joking) as soon as is possible. There are many variants of IWOJ, including IWOJ itself as well as several derivatives such as IWOF (...fishing) and YLASG (You Lot Are So Gullible).

3. Rumour Saucing.

If you are bored enough that you choose to invent a rumour about a player, there is an accepted format in which this rumour should be posted. This format can be C&P from the below, in order that you need only fill in the blanks and obey the correct structuring protocols for your nonsense:-

My (Insert relative here)\\\\\\\'s (insert profession here) knows (insert players name here)\\\\\\\'s (insert profession here) and (s)he told me that (insert players name here) was (insert ridiculous explanation for a mundane occurance here). (Insert caveat here designed to take all credit should story turn out to be true/distance self when story is exposed as falacy).

4. Always respond to the poster, not the post.

Imagine a fictional example where a WHO poster called \\\\\\\'KuntBolt\\\\\\\' is reading through a thread whereupon he comes across the following post:-

\\\\\\\"Aren\\\\\\\'t iPhones great?\\\\\\\"

His response should be determined by the identity of the WHO-er responsible for the words, rather than his own opinion of the words themselves. For example, if this post was made by fictional poster \\\\\\\"OneFrankMcAvennie!\\\\\\\" (who the fictional KuntBolt secretly fictionally hero-worships), he should reply \\\\\\\"They are, aren\\\\\\\'t they\\\\\\\" before posting derivatives of the original thought as his own work over the next few weeks.

However, if the original post came from fictional poster \\\\\\\"DenmarkTips\\\\\\\" who was fictionally loathed and despised for his fictionally dull and irritating posts, fictional KuntBolt should fictionally post a retort designed to win fictional praise from his fictional fellow WHO-ers, such as \\\\\\\"Shut it DenmarkTipzzzzz you spaz.\\\\\\\"

5. Possible paths upon having the piss taken out of you.

Post long enough on here and it\\\\\\\'s a racing certainty that other WHO-ers will evntually take the piss out of you. when this happens you have a choice of two paths:-

i. Laugh it off. You will lose some face, but all will be forgotten in minutes.

ii. Challenge the piss takers. Stand up for yourself. Make a stand for what you believe in. However, be aware that the law of the jungle/playground applies here and once blood is sensed in the water you will inevitably find yourself battling a 50 strong hate-mob intent on destroying you. (See Huffers & Lampards Shirt, Frankie and the Marathon, Nicey\\\\\\\'s billionaire kids etc etc). There may be a maximum length that the hate-mob will pursue you for, but the site has only been going for a decade now so we cannot say with absolute certitude.

6. Polarised viewpoint on players/managers/owners.

Write a list of names of players, managers, pundits, agents and owners associated with West Ham. Then add two columns and copying your knuckles, write \\\\\\\'Love\\\\\\\' and \\\\\\\'Hate\\\\\\\' atop these columns as headings. Now simply add a tick on one side of the other to indicate your opinion on that individual.

Now, whenever you post on WHO, simply consult the table and make sure every comment (ignoring the issue/action at hand) is written according to that belief.

This should enable you to avoid making the WHO Faux Pas of reasonable debate:- \\\\\\\"I like Gollivan\\\\\\\'s passion for the club and genuinely believe they are trying to do the right thing, but I wish they could avoid airing all our issues in the media.\\\\\\\"

Instead you can remain consistent in your hatred to allow you to participate like a Who-Veteran.

\\\\\\\"Avram Grant has just donated his entire season\\\\\\\'s wages to underpriviledged children\\\\\\\"
\\\\\\\"Attention seeking cunt.\\\\\\\"

\\\\\\\"Scotty Parker has said it\\\\\\\'s his dream to sign for Spurs.\\\\\\\"
\\\\\\\"Bungpuss is a cunt for tapping him up.\\\\\\\"

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Know it all 9:18 Mon May 6
Re: Mourinho rejoining Chelsea

A There\\\\\\\'s no chance of Sir Alex jacking it in this summer

B There\\\\\\\'s no chance of Moyes taking over at Old Trafford

(Sir Alex Jacked it in on May 8th, Moyes announced as replacement May 9th)

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Trevor B 9:33 Wed Apr 8
Re: Football Fans Perceptions of the police

As in any walk of life if you treat people with respect they will most likely treat you in the same manner, if you treat someone like a cunt, expect to be treated the same in return.

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London - As a Tourist

Just a rumour at this stage, but West Ham London (LONDON) FC are looking to cash in on the appeal of the Ground formerly known as the Olympic Stadium by offering walking tours in the summer. Indicative brochure blurb thus:-

Join us for a walk from the base of the Trevor Brooking stand to the side of the pitch on this guided walking tour.

Itinerary

09:00 We set out from the base of the famous Trevor Brooking stand. Close your eyes and you can almost hear a cheeky cockney war cry raining down from the seats - "COME ON YOU IRONS" "WE CAN DO IT WEST HAM" "FUCK OFF BRADY YOU FAT CUNT!"

10:30 We approach stewards stations where our crack stewards team vigilantly monitor the match. There will be an opportunity to don a hi-vis, some boots, and pretend to be asleep for a cheeky selfie keepsake.

12:00 As we approach the halfway point there is an opportunity for refreshment, London Stadium style. Popcorn & flat lager will be served on the iconic green grocers AstroTurf (£27 surcharge)

14:00 Get your boots on - it's challenge time! Anyone who can kick a ball from here onto the pitch wins a signed copy of 'I'm From Green Street' by Green Street's own David Gold, formerly of Green Street.

16:00 Mr Moon is on the pitch! Actually he isn't, but you will be so have a photo done at the end of your epic journey. 15 mins to take it all in, before an overnight bus takes you back to Stratford Intl for world class transport links home.