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ON WHO:

Northern Sold describing "Fuck me this place is surreal.... like eating a fucked up mushroom." Ne'er a better description.

Westham67 in response to criticism of the night shift's choice of conversation:
"It's just a bunch of middle-aged blokes talking bollocks."

MPI:
"There are plenty of cunts on facebook, but they are cunts by accident. You lot really put the work in."

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BLEEDING CLARETISMS:

"I'm watching the Oscars. Fuck off."
(In response to a minor provocation.)

"When I was a wee nipper on holiday in Spain, a Spanish chap told my Mum that he thought I was intelligent. On overhearing this I piped up and asked what intelligent meant. True story."

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Bleeding Claret 4:20 Sat Mar 1
Re: What happened to pentonville....
I met him in KL before. Decent bloke. Hope he's ok.

:^) 4:30 Sat Mar 1
Re: What happened to pentonville....
Last I heard he was suffering severe depression after a short visit to KL.

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Bleeding Claret 7:12 Tue Sep 14
fivestar - Why do you have such a cuntish user name?

fivestar 7:23 Tue Sep 14
Because somebody had already taken Bleeding Claret

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THE NETWORK

Livingstone in response to the verbal writhing of a poster caught in the TwinHammer Net:
"One who does not understand The Network is like one who cannot get a grasp of the Trumpington's Variations of playing Mornington Crescent."

Monk-koknee in a welcome message to a new poster:
"All new posters must take the oath of allegiance. Please complete, copy and paste onto a new, separate thread.

I, (Insert full username), do swear that I will well and truly serve our honourable community. I promise not to drone on and on about any fixation that I have in my head and not to type repeatedly in CAPITAL LETTERS. I agree to get easily outraged, to find a suitable clique to join and I will do right to all manner of people after the laws and usages of this forum, without fear or favour, affection or ill-will. So help me Ged."

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ZOLTANEERING

(Isaac Hock's original definition)

Some of you are still struggling with Zoltaneering, just follow this guide and you won't go far wrong.

1. Take the fact that you want to impress WHO-ites with. For the sake of this example you can use the fact that you are being sent to Hong Kong on business in a few weeks. Remember, it matters little that you have not got a passport, it matters less that you haven't got a job. That's the beauty of Zoltaneering, and the reason that it remains the fastest growing passtime on WHO.

2. Think of a question. It should be a question which provides maximum flexibility in terms of combining other questions. For the purpose of this example, we can use a question relating to the purchase of a PSP.

3. Combine the fact you wish to tell everyone about (part 1) with the mundane question (part 2) MAKING PART 2 THE FOCUS OF THE STATEMENT.

Correct:- "Will I be able to buy a PSP when I'm in Hong Kong next week?"

Incorrect:- "I'm going to Hong Kong on business. Will I be able to buy a PSP whilst there?"

Again, I am quite prepared to offer this thread as a Zoltaneering school, offer up your examples and I will attempt to help you along. So long as while I am typing I don\'t have one of my many page 3 girlfriends attempting to suck me off, of course.

Happy Zoltaneering!

REVERSE ZOLTANEERING

The phenomenon of reverse Zoltaneering occurs when the opposite intention of a Zoltanesque comment occurs, often with toe-curlingly embarrassing consequences. The majority of cases of reverse Zoltaneering will involve a naive comment, made to impress, which reveals information about the commentator for which they will be ridiculed and/or pitied.

Consider the attempted Zoltan:- "Does anyone know if Claridges is open on Sunday, as I am taking my new bird Dana International out for some grub."

The intention of the comment is to reveal that the commenter has a glamorous lifestyle and a famous girlfriend. The actual effect is to reveal that his new girlfriend has a c*ck.

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MORE FROM THE TALENTED MR HOCK:

IsaacHock 4:41 Sat May 12
Re: Family Chased by Cheetahs
gank 3:24 Sat May 12

"And what the FUCK does it have to do with West Ham anyway?"

Group embarks on European Tour, ignores warning signs and gets mauled by a group of Cheetahs.

I'd say it has a good deal to do with West Ham.
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OTHER:

Ronald_antly:
"I know what belongs on your profile, Coffee."

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PANCHOVIAN WIT

PANCHO 9:45 Fri Jul 13
Re: Which WHOer would you take to lunch?

Nurse!!!!

She is a fucking nightmare! Trust me...

Do you have any bavarian wild mushrooms? Or how about the slowly baked intestines of a lesbian fair trade cow?

She fucking make a holy show of me in my local Little Chef.

Avoid.

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Apple 1:45 Mon Jan 4

Let’s compare the record of Slaven Bilic in his first 20 Premier League games to Sam Allardyce’s last 20, shall we?

Pancho 1:59 Mon Jan 4

Apple?

More like a fucking plum.

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neilalex 11:25 Thu Sep 3
Nurse 10.39 - I think you misunderstand. Being high maintenance doesn't mean being 'spoilt' it references the degree to which you don't do what you're told by a bloke. My money is on high maintenance.

Nurse Ratched 11:27 Thu Sep 3
By your metric, Neil, I am stratospherically high maintenance.

neilalex 11:28 Thu Sep 3
That's not a huge surprise.
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Northern Sold 11:49 Thu Jan 14
Re: Decent hotels in Berlin?

Ich Bien Cutzandpastenz Hotel is a nice place to stay...

Eddie B 12:15 Thu Jan 14
Re: Decent hotels in Berlin?

NS, are you spelling that right? I've googled it, but it's not coming up.
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Nurse R expressing her undying love to H&P:

I didn't bother with it. It's boring. You're boring. And thick. I only interact with you because poking chimps through the bar of their cage with a sharp stick is probably illegal. When I engage with you it will be on my terms and my agenda only. You are mere pixels and exist ONLY to satisfy my amusement.
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Nurse Ratched 7:30 Fri Jun 8
Re: Veganism and vegetarianism
Hey, Road.

When I smell bacon in the pan or a sirloin steak caramelising beautifully on the griddle, my tummy rumbles with hunger and I salivate in anticipation.

Does the same thing happen to you when you mow the lawn?
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boltkunt 2:59 Tue Dec 11
Re: EU Referendum 23rd June 2016 declares Cameron

Pickle, you haven't even seen my head.

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Pork Pies thread: http://westhamonline.net/forum_flat.php?6923462||1||

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******DOES ANYONE HAVE A COPY OF THE PRINTER THREAD???*****