The Pope is in Liverpool handing out miracles to kids.A lad gets on stage and asks the Pope “Can you help me with my hearing?”The Pope says “yes” and puts his hands on the lad's ears, and prays, he removes his hands and says “How is your hearing now?”The lad says “I don’t know - it’s not til next We...

I once had a job at a factory producing miniature figures of Dracula.There were only two of us working there so I had to make every second count.

Merry Christmas all...I started the day off with a shot of Penderyn,a Welsh whisky (where I left off last night- celebrating the big 70 !)
It's going to be a long day!
 

A couple go into a restaurant and the man asks the waiter "What's good on the menu?"
He says "Well,I'd recommend the octopus but it's taking 2 hours to cook"
"Why's that then?"
" Because he keeps turning off the gas"

I've just bought a Van Gogh coffee table - I know it's original 'cos there's a piece of veneer missing

This Halloween I sat and mixed all the sweet wrappers up..the wife wasn't happy,she got her snickers in a twix

I took my nan to one of those spas where the fish eat all your dead skin.
It took ages and cost £60.
Still,it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Apparantly his lad doesn't like heights...

Thanks

Exeter - sprinkle some chilli powder or ground pepper around their foraging spots

Nurse- I don't know if it's the same your end but there seems to be a lack of birds coming to our live meal worm feeder- this time last year ,I'd be getting through a kilo bag a week ..maybe it's a bit early for nesters. I'm happy to report that our resident pair of Firecrests nesting in our Cypress...

Asking for a friend (yes really) who has 2 upper for Ipswich but needs to exchange for 2 lower-
Thanks

aaaaah- well forewarned is forearmed  - i had three tickets in all-2 I paid the going rate for (£30) and the spare I had to sell, bought for double the going rate (silly me) they were all in the away end-I enjoyed the day ,out with my youngest son ,the result was disappointing but a lovely day start...

Well..looks like I got fleeced - like the 'wrong 'un ' i am

Due to health issues I rarely go to games so,yes,I am unfamiliar with away ticket rules - due to that unfamiliarity ,I probably got ripped off on the price

Good afternoon all...I have a spare for tomorrow..can meet at the ground or in Lewes before the game-I'd like 50 for it

We had a Bouvier de Flanders until last year when we lost him to cancer - a great big softie who was bullied by our two cats but he was such a good family dog - looked a bit like a schnauzer being of the spitz breed.
A really good guard dog and we all miss him like crazy

..a bit like the time when I'd loaded the Merlin app on my phone and I was sitting in the garden - there was a bird singing that I could not identify nor could the app - until I walked into the kitchen and realised it was by daughter's new bread maker- stupid boy

Popeye Doyle has left us RIP
Found dead with his wife 

My friend's sex change operation from a male to female went really well yesterday. In fact,it was so successful,he's still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park

The Pope wakes up in hospital and asks if he was in heaven "No, we're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward"

A gecko was strolling through the jungle and a pungent smell hit his nostrils.He looked up see a large baboon up a big baobab tree smoking a large spliff. The baboon invites the little fella to join him. After a few good tokes the gecko gets a thirst and goes down to the river for a drink .A crocodi...

My mate.Gordon Morgan had hell of job introducing himself when he was in Germany But not.as much trouble as the other lad Jim Apple had in France.

Happy to see this - might put a bit of creativity back in

Baker Gurvitz Army with Ginger Baker on the drums - nutter that he was ,he could certainly play those skins!

Two priests are driving down the road when a police car pulls them over.The priest who is driving lowers his wndow and the policeman says to him, "We're looking for a couple of child molesters."The driver looks at his passenger, who nods, and then turns back to the policeman and says, &quo...