West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

That pilot/decorator/landing classic is the real Hawker Hurricane of puns.

I've had some bloke decorating the upstairs for the last 3 days. We got chatting and he's an ex Ryanair pilot on Furlough. He's now decorating to try and pay the mortgage. Sad times but to be fair he did a great job of the landing.

Do you know that the world's top scientists reckon in 2025 we'll never be more than 8 foot away from an ex-Chelsea manager

"Too Much Too Young 9:13 Wed Jan 27 Had just received via WhatsApp as well, funny how these circulate so quickly. Mind you mine did not have the claret background, so you obviously got the posh version..........."

epsom 6:48 Wed Jan 27 Re: THE joke threads (part 5) HAHA Just got sent that via WhatsApp with a claret n blue background.

"A man is walking his dog when the West Ham score comes in, 3-2 to West Ham. The dog runs 10 yards, does a triple backflip and a double pirouette. Someone on the street says ""òfuck me that's impressive, what does he do if West Ham lose'? The Man replies ""òfuck knows mate I've only had him since Christmas'"

"Excellent AH , even that dandy Lyon twat may have raised a smile !"

"My girlfriend said the cat needed to be chipped. I only had a 9 iron, but I still got it over the shed."

"David Moyes, Mikel Arteta, Jurgen Klopp and Steve Bruce walk into a pub, and Moyes buys them all a pint. Arteta also then bought everyone a pint and followed by Klopp, when all finished Bruce aslo got everyone a drink. Moyes then when up the bar to just buy himself a pint, well the other were a bit pissed off and ask why he didn't get them a drink?!? The Moyesiah replied ""Sorry none of you lot are in the 5th round!"""

BREAKING: Frank Lampard set to be offered the chance to join west hams backroom staff!... Reports suggest Doris the tea lady want to take early retirement and Frank is an ideal replacement as he has worked with a bunch of mugs for the past two years.

"Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ""Hello"" WOMAN: ""Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"" MAN: ""Yes."" WOMAN: ""I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"" MAN: ""Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."" WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."" MAN: ""How much?"" WOMAN: ""£45,000."" MAN: ""OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."" WOMAN: ""Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."" MAN: ""Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."" WOMAN: ""Oh THANKS! I'll see you later! I love you so much!"" MAN: ""Bye! I love you, too."" The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. > > > The man turns to them and asks, ""Anyone know whose phone this is?"""

"Oxford University did a survey on why there's a bubble at the end of a condom. The English said it was take the ejaculate, the French said it was to give the man more pleasure, the Germans said it was to give a woman more pleasure and the West Indians said it was to stand on when you took it off"

You're right. Sorry Ted. Keep them coming.

Me too HR.

Seems as good a time as any to thank people for their gags on here. Aalborg and Ted in particular have provided me with much mirth.

"Dandy Lyon You're a miserable cսnt, I'm sure your opinion won't bother Ted. Why don't you post a joke on the JOKE thread, instead of carping about what you don't find amusing?"

I'll do as I please. Cheers

@ Dandy Lyon Or just don't bother reading

"Ted, you strike me as the sort of person who forwards on every single unfunny joke and meme to every single person in your phonebook. Try reducing the quantity and concentrate on improving the quality. Thanks"

"Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. -----Husbands Diary: A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?"

Sat on the loo and ran out of paper. Now doing that 'trousers down' shuffle to get a new loo roll. Nearly at Sainsbury's.

"Pensioner's Holiday A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop, ""I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."" He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. ""And how did you like your holiday?"" he asked eagerly. ""The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,"" she said. ""I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bastard I had to share the room with?"""

"When my nan wasn't looking i pulled her knitting needles out. She didn't find it funny, me, I was in stitches."

"The posters that use ad hominem against me, are swivel eyed looney, fascist, flag shsgging, incels."

"DEAR NEIGHBOUR: ""Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards Richard Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard. SECOND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed ""wi-fi"" to ""wife."" Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all."""