West Ham Online

Usual rules apply

"Who said that you can't flog a dead horse? A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, ""Sorry, son, but I have some bad news; the horse died."" Donald replied, ""Well, then just give me my money back."" The farmer said, ""Can't do that. I went and spent it already."" Donald said, ""Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."" The farmer asked, ""What ya gonna do with him?"" Donald said, ""I'm going to raffle him off."" The farmer said, ""You can't raffle off a dead horse!"" Donald said, ""Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."" A month later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, ""What happened with that dead horse?"" Donald said, ""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."" The farmer said, ""Didn't anyone complain?"" Donald said, ""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."" Donald later moved into the White House."

Just heard there's a geezer down the market selling Oxford vaccinations for £2 each or 3 for a Pfizer !!

"A young girl started work in the village pharmacy. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. ""Look,"" he said. ""My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used."" The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said ""950"". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. ""Have a look and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. ""Yes!"" she said ""He's got one hanging there!"" The boss said ""Go back in and give him £9.50, he's the window cleaner ....."""

"I was chopping carrots with the Grim Reaper, i like to dice with death Sorry"

"arsene york-hunt 4:02 Sat Dec 26 Michael Jackson goes up to Elvis Presley in the afterlife (probably Hell) and says ""I married your daughter"" Elvis replies ""Well thak fuck for that, I heard she married a darkie."" Reminds me of that Stevie Wonder joke - When Stevie Wonder was asked what it was like to be born blind, he replied, ""It could have been worse, I could have been born black""."

"I'm assuming the ""òusual rules' the opening post alludes to don't include ""òbe funny'"

"Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, ""How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. ""Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"" ""I don't have any,"" he replied gruffly. ""Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"" ""Ninety-eight,"" he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. ""Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply ""ì ""I outlived the bastards."""

My mates have got together to stage a party for Chinese New Year and Burns night. I had an invite and was going to say no. But they twisted my arm

"Michael Jackson goes up to Elvis Presley in the afterlife (probably Hell) and says ""I married your daughter"" Elvis replies ""Well thak fuck for that, I heard she married a darkie."""

Got absolutely shit faced last night Moral of the story: Never buy a cheap glass coffee table

"If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt."

"Janet St Porter goes into a pub and says ""òI'll have a large Aperitif ""ò Barman shakes his head and says ""òno chance'"

"Mrs ""î have you seen the dog bowl? Me ""î I didn't even know he could play cricket"

"My friend was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music. I said, ""Didja redo it?"""

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TINnkgnJu28

Mary whatÔøΩs two times two? Ninety four Miss Tom whatÔøΩs two times two? Tuesday Miss Sarah whatÔøΩs two times two? Four Miss Excellent Top of the class. How did you get the right answer? I took Tuesday from ninety four Miss.

"Jean-Michel Jarre got the idea for Oxygene from his sister Dora, who was always letting the cold air in."

"A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: ""Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband""ù When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: ""Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up"

"I hate being bi-polar, its brilliant."

"Even my on-line Christmas shopping has gone pear shaped, I ordered four Kindles from amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD"

Mallard Is it about an old flame?

I'm making a TV series about the different parts of my gas cooker. .... I've already filmed the pilot.

"I am asking for you all to keep me in your prayers. We've just discovered my grandad is addicted to viagra, it's a difficult time for us all but nobody is taking it harder than my nan."

2000 fans in london stadium will be like Jeremy beadle fingering Katie price

"A man goes to the Optician for his annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption on his face ,and asks him what he can see. ""I see empty Airports and empty Football grounds"" he says. "" I see closed theatres , closed pubs, closed Restaurants "" That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!"