THE joke threads (part 5)

[Mad Dog]

Usual rules apply

[Willtell]

Excellent - actually made me laugh...

[Briano]

"A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'"

[Dave Boozle]

"An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guinness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man that his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one pint at a time. The Irishman explains that he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The Irishman becomes a regular at the pub, well known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among the other patrons. When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offered his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains: ""No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for Lent""ù"

[ted fenton]

"For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[Helmut Shown]

"A man was visiting a prostitute. He paid for his session and got down to business by giving the girl oral sex. He stopped all of a sudden when he found something in his mouth. On closer examination it was a bit of carrot stuck to a pea. The girl said ""thats all right, the last bloke that plated me spewed up"""

[joe royal]

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face... Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge.

[Swiss.]

Mad Dog That's quite good. Better than a wet fart.

[Mad Dog]

I know that as digging for gas but striking oil

[plankton]

"I always thought 'premature evacuation"" was when a fart turns into a sloppy something else?"

[Swiss.]

"yogib ""premature evacuation ' Is that when your caravan stalled and you fell out the back? haha"

[Queens Fish Bar]

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Taste.

[yogib]

Premature ejaculation......fucking autocorrect

[yogib]

I used to suffer from premature evacuation and thought it was a bit selfish on my part- my girlfriend got me some cream to help with the sensitivity Now I don't give a fuck about it

[cheeses cruyf]

"Went for a check-up today,everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my arse Think it might be time to find a new dentist"

[Aalborg Hammer]

Q. What's the difference between marmalade and jam ? A.You can't marmalade your cock up a birds a*se!!

[lab]

A gorilla walks into a pub and asks for a pint . The barman says that will be six pound. He then says we don't get many gorillas in here. The gorilla says at six quid a pint I ain't fucking surprised.

[Mad Dog]

Why do beea stay in their hives in winter? Swarm

[Mad Dog]

"Dickens. ""It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"" Schroedinger ""nice, nice"""

[Pee Wee]

"A Tale Of Two Cities was originally serialised in two Midlands local papers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times."

[riosleftsock]

"This year if it snows, I will be the first out there in the snow showing my family how to celebrate our modern values. I will be building the biggest snowPERSON that Saffron Walden has ever seen. I'm saving up a humungous carrot to use as its cock."

[Briano]

"üòàüòá Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, ""Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."" Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,"" Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, ""Mike--Mike."" ""Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. ""Who is it?"" ""Mike--it's me, Joe."" ""You're not Joe. Joe just died!"" ""I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,"" insists the voice."" ""Joe! Where are you?"" ""In heaven"", replies Joe. ""I have some really good news and a little bad news."" ""Tell me the good news first,"" says Mike. ""The good news,"" Joe says,"" is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"" That's fantastic,"" says Mike. ""It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? ""You're in the team for this Saturday ""ò"

[lab]

And I feel I can post that as it is no worse than previous posts .

[lab]

What's the difference between a Muslim woman and a sardine ? One is greasy and oily with big bulging eyes the other is a fish.

[joe royal]

"😂😂😂😂.This is Quality. There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office."

[ted fenton]

My Kids keep taking the piss out of my Alzheimer's Won't be so funny when they wake up on Christmas morning and there's no Eggs under the flaming bonfire.