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Q: 2023/24 Hopes & aspirations for this season
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Exiled In Surrey 10:49 Thu Aug 3
Going back to work in the office
Six habits homeworkers will have to lose to return to the office

From the Daily Mash

COMMERCIAL landlords are upset about homeworking, so do you face the grim prospect of returning to the office?

Here are six habits you’ll have to lose first.

- No more wank breaks

The days of treating yourself to a swift hand shandy after sending an email will be over. It’s probably for the best though. You’ve exhausted every piece of online smut and your genitals have been rubbed raw. Don’t go cold turkey though – knock one out in the toilets three times a day to ease yourself back in.

-Waking up five minutes before work

Homeworkers have got the habit of waking up just before work down to a fine art. Laptops take mere seconds to lean over to and switch on, giving them plenty of minutes to brush their teeth and eat breakfast. A return to the office will herald an ungodly routine that doesn’t involve staying up until 3am scrolling through Instagram.

- Spending the whole day wearing pyjamas

Offices place high demands on their employees. Tyrannical bosses expect their drone ants to wear semi-formal clothing and shoes, not food-stained t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms that haven’t been washed this side of the pandemic. You’ll need to have a shower and run a comb through your hair too because you can’t turn everyone’s eyes off like a Zoom camera.

- Endless procrastination

Offices tend to be drab buildings filled with dull walls and boring desks because they want you to actually focus on your f**king work. Homes on the other hand contain everything you like and offer endless distractions like watching Bargain Hunt and reading everything on the internet. Giving this up will be traumatic, so consider the dole.

- Loudly swearing at your team

At home you’re free to scream blue murder at Lucy from HR or Martin from accounts because no one can hear your expletive-filled tirades. Annoyingly, offices contain people with ears who can process what you say, so you’ll need to keep these rants in your head. Also there’s no ‘mute’ in real life, tragically.

- Getting all your work done in a shorter time

When you worked at home you could blast through all your tasks in record time then spend the afternoon in the pub occasionally checking your emails. In the office though you’ll need to slow down, otherwise you’ll be rewarded by having even more mindless toil heaped on you. Even suggesting going down to a four-day week would threaten to reveal how competent you actually are.

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Mike Oxsaw 1:38 Sun Aug 6
Re: Going back to work in the office
..."I’m in aviation "...

Yeah, I imagine baggage handling must present a bit of a problem if working from home.

nerd 10:50 Sun Aug 6
Re: Going back to work in the office
We have to go into to work twice a shift not nights or weekends. I get way more done at home and can't escape ,in the office it's more the social aspect. At home teams don't stop , have 4 phones and then all the alarms and monitoring apps alerting . The office is now an escape its so odd.but better for bouncing ideas . I'm network manager at o2 , have to deal with all and liase with MPs ,press and security services. So at home I can't hide, in the office I can see my teams so lower my own personal alert level as I can see more . With the redundancies more will be piled on me , the offices closing all over the place , not sure there will be much point going in soon other than going for breakfast , speaking to AI isn't all its cracked up to be face to face.

Mace66 9:39 Sun Aug 6
Re: Going back to work in the office
From hating WFH in the early days of Covid, then warming to it with time, I’ve now been back in the office since the start of January and don’t have any problem with it.

Part of the issue WFH is the isolation ( we have a decent group at work who all get on well ) and the flexibility itself leading to working all sorts of hours.

I quite like my commute too - about a 20 minute stroll, mostly through fields and lanes

Cabbage Savage 12:52 Sun Aug 6
Re: Going back to work in the office
deanjcrawford 4:51 Sat Aug 5


Hammer and Pickle 12:51 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office
Sensible employers will enjoy the benefits of making coming into the office an option rather than an obligation. Depends on the job of course.

WHU(Exeter) 12:24 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office
Prefer working from the office, but think that the small percentage of people with narcissistic tendencies have become even louder after the Covid break. Like the time away from the office has bottled it up inside them, so now their ‘need’ to give the rest of us a blow by blow account of everything they do throughout the day has increased in volume.

BRANDED 10:32 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office
Do people really wear pyjamas?

onsideman 8:28 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office
Couldn't you have squeezed one more "I won't lie" in there?

deanjcrawford 4:51 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office

I won’t lie. I still had to go in during the first year of the pandemic. I was deemed essential (but was I fuck!) while my wife stayed at home. Won’t lie, I was very bitter and used to bemoan how she did fuck all. Changed jobs that was work from home and I won’t lie, my whole outlook changed. She’s been promoted twice, I’m putting in a shift and definitely working harder. If I’m made to go back into the office, I’ll go back. But I definitely think my productivity is up.

collyrob 2:59 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office

Definitely bitter. I’m in aviation so can’t stay out home and relax all day unfortunately.

Loads of my mates are tho. And sit in the boozer refreshing their laptops. I do be fuming 😂

deanjcrawford 2:45 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office
Collyrob, you sound bitter AF. I take it you don’t have the option to work from home? And I take it you spend every waking second working whilst in the office and take no breaks whatsoever?

Capitol Man 1:50 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office
Some aren’t professionally mature enough to cope with working from home.

collyrob 1:18 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office
It’s about time. WFH is a scam, lazy cunts do fuck all.

Wils 12:54 Sat Aug 5
Re: Going back to work in the office
I know some people love office life. Personally hate it.

Waste of time commuting, constant distractions and interruptions from colleagues and the uber bore of after work drinks. If you're so fucking dull and boring that you need to abuse your colleagues fear of being talked about behind their back to gain some semblance of a social life you should just call it a day anyway. 'Work pubs' are miserable places even if you're in one without your colleagues. Guarded conversations and office politics wafting through the shiny suits is not my idea of fun.

I live in a smallish flat with 2 kids around and a fold down desk in the bedroom for an office. But fuck me, I couldn't bear being in an office 5 minutes more than I absolutely have to be. And my colleagues are not too bad as people go. Can't imagine what some other fuckers have to put up with. And yes I don't want to inflict myself on other people either.

deanjcrawford 7:34 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

So you’re saying people shouldn’t work from home because they will miss the joys of a commute? I take it you don’t use the central line with some fuckers sweaty armpit in your face.

And WFH is bad for your social life? Aren’t most on here advocating for work as work and not a jolly up? Stuck in a cubicle all day listening to Glenda talk about her kids is more than enough socialising for me, I don’t need to drink with them too. I’ll stick to the WFH.

BBondsBootlaces 5:24 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office
I only change out of my pajamas before bed so I don't sleep in my work clothes.

bruuuno 5:09 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office
Jim79 4:18 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

I’d echo most of that, I detest wfh for similar reasons. I walk to work and see the walk in the same way - a chance to wake up in the mornings and decompress in the evening.

Re youngsters and wfh I’m not so sure.. may be different in your industry but I’ve found a lot of youngsters, with their tech obsession and poor social skills, are much happier wfh

Mike Oxsaw 5:04 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office
I am just so glad that I no longer have to go into an office to work any more.

And a collateral upside is that those who would have been sharing an office with me are even gladder.

Another win-win for Brexit.

Jim79 4:18 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office
Personally much prefer going in to the office and have done even through lockdown at least a couple of days a week. Find working from home very isolating and boring despite having a wife and 4 daughters around the place. Having some demarkation between home life and work life is essential in my eyes otherwise the lines become blurred despite regularly still doing some work tasks, responding to emails, etc in the evenings and weekends. Im lucky in that I have a separate office in the house so its not like I cannot get any peace and quiet but I hate it and in fact found that I missed the train journey. The commute was an essential way of book ending my day to make the transition from work life to home life. That 60/90mins each way watching a box set on my iPad is sometimes the best part of my day, nobody needing anything from me whether it be demanding bosses or exhausting children/wife.

I work within the Financial Markets for an Investment Manager/Hedge Fund and for me its essential that we got back to an office working environment or as an industry we'd lose a lot of talent from the sector, especially the young recent University grads.

Imagine for a moment that you are 21, 22, 23 you've just left Uni you go for a job at one of the big banks or asset managers and they tell you the job is largely if not totally Work From Home. At this point you are back living with your parents who don't have a separate, designated office in the house so you are now faced with working in your bedroom or off the end of the dining room table. Couple that with the loss of London weighting so you're now being paid £5/10k less than you would have previously and you are not getting to experience the exciting London lifestyle, drinks after work in the city, etc you had planned but instead stuck back in the town you grew up in with a laptop. People will simply look at other avenues to pursue their careers. For that reason mandating office work is a necessity.

nychammer 2:02 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office
@ Swiss. We had a contractor leave on the spot last year because we asked him to come to the office one day per week. Just one. And he lives 15 mins away. I guess the market was that hot a year ago that contractors could demand their own terms. Times have changed a bit now as the market has tightened, they all got to come in or face termination.

Nurse Ratched 1:55 Fri Aug 4
Re: Going back to work in the office

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