Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
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Usual rules apply
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Replies - Newest Posts First ( Show In Chronological Order)
Bungo
11:48 Wed Mar 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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When I was 7, I wrote to Jim'll Fix It asking to meet Paul Daniels. I shudder to think of it now, as I could have ended up meeting Paul Daniels.
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Aalborg Hammer
2:17 Tue Mar 28
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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An old man sits down on a park bench next to a Punk. Fascinated at the Punks multi-coloured hair the old man can't help but stare. Eventually the Punk looks at the old man and says "what are you staring at? haven't you ever done something crazy in your sad life?" To which the old man replies, "Oh yes, once I fucked a parrot, and was just wondering if you might be my son"
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lab
7:43 Mon Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Willtell…I think you may have fucked up here .
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madeeasy
6:27 Mon Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Can you fuck off of this thread to slag people off. There is every other fucking thread you manage to do it on.
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Willtell
5:55 Mon Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I’m just misunderstood ray. Your joke was pathetically unfunny though…
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Malayammer
3:19 Mon Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Ray
Pure class , superb response
No doubt the gobshite will respond from the gutter
For the record I was a regular poster but lost all enthusiasm but look forward to the joke thread
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ray winstone
1:48 Mon Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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And this forum was better when you was on a ban. Boom tish.....
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Willtell
1:19 Mon Mar 27
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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This thread used to occasionally have funny jokes...
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ray winstone
5:09 Sat Mar 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Went to a Jimmy Greaves charity dinner last night, Harry Redknapp was there telling the same old stories, quite entertaining though. Then this old geezer gets up and does a comedy stint, calls himself ‘The Cat’ and recounts some funny goalkeeping jokes amongst some other stuff. At the end he said ‘just in case you were wondering why they call me ‘The Cat’? It’s because I was buggered by a bloke called Tom when I was a kid’……
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joyo
4:06 Sat Mar 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Coming this summer Disney's new heart touching story of a transgender Whale....
" Maybe Dick"
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Helmut Shown
12:23 Wed Mar 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Another Jewish couple are also coming up to their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
Solomon says “Becky, I want to do something special for you for our anniversary.”
Becky replies “Solly, pre has been good to us I want for nothing but there is one thing I have always wanted to do: I would like to bathe in champagne”
“Right” Solly says “You shall have it”
The day comes and Becky goes into the bathroom and the bath is full of champagne. She bathes in it and then gets ready for the party they are going to have that day. Solomon then starts to siphon the champagne from the bath back into the bottles to reuse for the party. He gets close to finishing and finds there are no bottles left but there are three pints of champagne left
Solly shouts out to his wife “Becky you didn’t!”
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Helmut Shown
12:10 Wed Mar 22
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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An old Jewish couple were coming up to their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They decide to have a barbecue in their garden to celebrate with friends and family. They also had their bathroom done up as a present to each other.
The time comes for the barbecue. An old friend is sitting quietly as the barbecue gets started. He hasn’t seen the couple for ten years and the couple’s son asks him how he knows his parents. “I have known them for years in fact I knew them when they cooked indoors and shit outside”
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Mike Oxsaw
5:08 Mon Mar 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me to keep my pocket money in a special metal box under the stairs.
I was 15 before I realised it was the fucking gas meter.
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Aalborg Hammer
7:18 Tue Mar 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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As I get older, I find I only need 3 shops.
Specsavers , Boots and Greggs.
My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls
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ted fenton
2:52 Tue Mar 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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I just got 3 tips off a bookie for Cheltenham Today
Sunshine. 15:00.
Moonlight. 15:30.
Good Times. 16:00.
If they don’t win, don’t blame Sunlight, don’t blame Moonlight, don’t blame Good Times, blame it on the Bookie.
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ted fenton
11:22 Tue Mar 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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https://www.google.com/search?q=Keir+starmer+jungle+book&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBGB898GB902&oq=Keir+starmer+jungle+book&aqs=chrome..69i57j0i390l2.15927j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:2eaeb560,vid:bi2_2ogPMvo
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COOL HAND LUKE
11:54 Sat Mar 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Lineker (on phone): "Hello Operator, Lineker here, can you arrange a wake up call for me, please?"
Operator: Yes of course, Mr Lineker. Here we go then - *Everybody thinks you're a complete cunt!*
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Aalborg Hammer
5:40 Wed Mar 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Of course ,if women headed up the governments in the world there would be no more wars ...just really intense negotiations every 28 days
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Aalborg Hammer
5:08 Wed Mar 8
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Does anyone know what time International Women's Day finishes ?
I'm starving
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ted fenton
11:43 Fri Mar 3
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Seeing That Cheltenham Is Nearly Upon Us !! 😉
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'
'No, love,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 this afternoon.'
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ted fenton
11:31 Wed Mar 1
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
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Bert,at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"
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