WHO Poll
Q: 2023/24 Hopes & aspirations for this season
a. As Champions of Europe there's no reason we shouldn't be pushing for a top 7 spot & a run in the Cups
24%
  
b. Last season was a trophy winning one and there's only one way to go after that, I expect a dull mid table bore fest of a season
17%
  
c. Buy some f***ing players or we're in a battle to stay up & that's as good as it gets
20%
  
d. Moyes out
36%
  
e. New season you say, woohoo time to get the new kit and wear it it to the pub for all the big games, the wags down there call me Mr West Ham
3%
  



Mad Dog 6:13 Wed Aug 12
THE joke threads (part 5)
Usual rules apply

Replies - Newest Posts First (Show In Chronological Order)

Aalborg Hammer 1:25 Wed Feb 21
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
My dad wanted his ashes pressed into a record.

It was his vinyl request.

Aalborg Hammer 3:11 Thu Jan 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Millennials are pissing me off - walking around like they rent the place

onfiresquire 8:48 Sat Dec 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriend's arse

Helmut Shown 4:14 Sat Dec 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A boy asks his mother “Mum, how does a buffalo mate?”
The mother replies “I don’t know son, you’re father’s a Mason”

Bungo 1:52 Wed Dec 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
*race even...

Bungo 1:52 Wed Dec 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Late entry from Ladbaby for the reace to the Christmas number 1.

Apparently this year's song is to be 'The Fairytale of Tubed Pork'.

Helmut Shown 6:55 Wed Dec 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A young female hippopotamus was grazing in the grasslands by the forest. She hears an almighty crash as two trees fall down very close to her. She looks into the forest and sees a large white rhino with a look of thunder on his face. The hippo says "hold up why did you do that you could have killed me?" He bashfully replies " I'm so sorry, i didn't realise you were there. I'm an endangered species and I've never had a girlfriend let alone had sex"
"Well" says the hippo " Our species are very similar you could shag me"
"Great" says the rhino and climbs up her back. "Forgive me" he says " I don't even know your name"
"It's Elsie" she replies "and what's your name" she asks
"It's Neil" the rhino replies
"Oh" says the hippo " the other hippos won't believe me when I tell them I've just had sex with Rhino Neil"

arsene york-hunt 4:41 Tue Dec 12
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I went to a shop to buy a coat and saw a nice one marked faux fur.

"Why is it so expensive" I asked

He said: "Have you ever tried getting the fur off a faux?"

Aalborg Hammer 1:57 Mon Dec 11
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Just got a Katie Price advent calendar.I'm a bit disappointed, the flaps are already open

Noah 9:35 Tue Dec 5
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A husband and wife own a sex shop.

They go in to work one Monday and as the husband is reading the post realises they have a couple bills due that day. He tells his wife and she says: “Monday’s are usually slow. Go pay the bills and just head home for the day. I’ll run the store if you make dinner for tonight.”

The husband leaves and a little while later, a lady comes in and says, “I’m looking for a dildo; about six inches long and purple with polka dots.” The owner looks on the shelves and says, “We have what you need right here. That’ll be £35.” The woman pays and leaves.

A little while later, another woman comes into the store. She says, “I’m looking for a vibrator eight inches long, red white and blue with little knobs.” The owner looks on the shelves and says, “We have what you need right here. That’ll be £45. The woman pays and leaves.

It’s just about time to close the shop when another woman comes in and says, “I’m looking for something really wild to add to my collection. I’m looking for a big dildo; about 15 inches long in tartan and maybe even a handle. The owner again looks on the shelves but sees nothing. She says, “I think that’s going to be a special order.” As she reached for the order forms, she says, Wait! I’ve got what you need right here. That’ll be £300.” The customer pays and leaves.

She closes the shop, goes home, and her husband greets her asking, How was your day?”

The wife says, “Well, I sold one dildo for £35, one for £45, and you’ll never guess how much I got for your thermos flask!”

Manuel 10:37 Mon Nov 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Aalborg - Your 'jokes' are absolutely shocking.

Noah 10:14 Mon Nov 20
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
The Pope falls desperately ill and is hospitalised. The doctors can’t diagnose the problem, so they call in a world-famous specialist. After a careful examination, the specialist informs the Pope that the physical and mental pressures caused by his lifelong celibacy have finally taken their toll. Unless the Pope has sexual intercourse with a woman in the next few days, he will die.

The Pope is horrified, and makes it clear that he would rather die than betray his vows. But the Cardinals and Nuncios and all the prelates in the Vatican plead with him to reconsider. The Church desperately needs his able leadership, and surely God can forgive any sin. . .

And the Pope finally relents — but he says that he has four conditions before he will consent to the act.

“First,” he says, “the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see who it is that she is having relations with.”

The Cardinals agree. This doesn’t seem too difficult.

“Second,” he says, “she must be deaf — so that even if I should cry out in my passion, she will not be able to recognise my voice.”

The Cardinals agree. It seems reasonable.

“Third,” he says, “she must be mute, so that even if she does discover my identity, she can never tell anyone.”

The Cardinals agree. A sensible precaution!

“And fourth,” says the Pope, “she’s gotta have really big tits. . .”

Aalborg Hammer 3:01 Sat Nov 18
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Fella goes into a pub and orders a pint.
The landlord starts pouring it out and says "Don't normally see you in here"
"No" says the fella "62 today"
"Congratulations" says the landlord"Let me buy you a drink"
So the two of them are having a scotch and the landlord says "Are you coming in here tomorrow?"
"No" says the fella " 2 to 10 tomorrow"

Queens Fish Bar 12:48 Tue Nov 14
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
David Cameron as Foreign Secretary.

Esther McVey Minister for wokery.

PMSL

Aalborg Hammer 12:50 Mon Nov 13
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
I think my local mosque has got a bouncy castle in it 'cos there's always a row of sandals outside

Mr Anon 12:46 Mon Oct 30
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
When for a job at a Blacksmith's the other day, he asked me if I've ever shoed a horse, I said no but I've told a duck to fuck off.

Mike Oxsaw 11:11 Sun Oct 29
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
spaghetti hoops - alphabeti spaghetti for the dyslexic. Dog, I love this inclusive society, me.

Nobody 10:04 Wed Oct 25
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
THE joke threads (part 5)

The joke is on Nobody...

Nobody laughed...

Nobody lived to laugh either...

Aalborg Hammer 11:45 Mon Oct 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
About a month before my grandfather died we started covering his back with lard.After that,he went downhill very quickly.

Noah 5:50 Mon Oct 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
A cowboy rides into a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in.

The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar.

“Hi” says the cowboy “mighty quiet in town”

“Yup” says the barman “Everybody’s at the hanging”

“The hanging?” says the cowboy “Who they hanging?”

“They’re hanging Brown Paper Pete”

Said the barman

“Oh, why do you call him that?”

“Well”

Said the barman,

“His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper”

“I see!”

Said the cowboy

“What are they hanging him for?” …

“Rustling”

lab 8:51 Mon Oct 23
Re: THE joke threads (part 5)
Two dyslexics about to descend down a mountain, one asks ..do we zig zag or zag zig down the mountain ? The other isn’t sure . Just then they see a bloke pulling a sledge and about to set off . Excuse me ..do we zig zag or zag zig down the mountain ? ….Don’t ask me I’m just a tobogganist …..oh that’s handy we’ ll have two packets of Benson and Hedges .

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